Thursday, December 22, 2011

Fourth Trimester

I am a parent hippie. I'm not ashamed to admit it now, I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject of the 'fourth trimester.' Harvey Karp of UCLA did research on tribes in south Africa where babies hardly cry.

Here, babies cry all the time, why is it different in our culture? Karp's response is that when working women have babies, they recreate life in the womb for the baby. Often, women wear their babies in slings across their body and nurse them 50 times during the day. The wearing brings newborns close to the heartbeat, allows them to listen to the mothers breathing and use their body temperature to regulate, and the walking and swaying is just like walking with a fetus inside.

That is why I have become a parent hippie. I got a wrap and I can wear her around the house, and today I wore my baby to the mall. I can't explain how many looks I got, and how people jumped out of the way when I came walking through. And instead of screaming her head off sitting in the carseat, Z was happy and alert just walking around with me.

I hadn't intended on becoming this kind of mom, but so far its working out pretty well. Z doesn't sleep in her own bed, but we are getting a sidecar type deal for our bed to give her a 'nest' separate from us but not far away. The bassinet is too open and she drops too far and it wakes her up when we put her down. And she sleeps on my chest tummy to tummy. Not condusive to cuddling with the BF, but better for baby.

I hear a lot of criticism from people about baby wearing, holding her all day, and co sleeping. "How is she supposed to learn independence, you should let her cry it out and self soothe," they say. I'm sorry, but until 3 months after her next growth spurt, no. I'm going to pick her up when she cries because she needs me, she wants to be held, rocked and talked to. When she has more reasoning skills and cognitive maturity, then I'll put her down.

Until then, I am a baby wearing, cosleeping, breastfeeding hippie.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

One Month and Counting

What have I learned in the past month? What great wisdom can I impart to those without child(ren)? Well, my baby girl is a month old tomorrow. She lifts her head up on her own, she eats every hour during the day, and sleeps for about three hour shifts at night. She managed a growth spurt and some of her clothes no longer fit.

I have learned that just diapering and feeding is not enough for my child. She likes to be held, to bounce on my exercise ball with me and a few days ago she started smiling when she sees my face.

This baby has completely changed my life, not necessarily my cactus-like personality, but I facking baby talk like it is my job. I can pick up this kid and get her to stop crying by just holding her and talking to her. And I've discovered that I am a radical parent. I'm not normally a by-the-book kind of person, but the way I do things with my baby is different.

First, I breastfeed exclusively. We just introduced one bottle a night for feeding, and she won't take a pacifier. In fact this past afternoon she wouldn't even take a bottle.

Second, we co-sleep with the baby. That means that she has a bassinet in our bedroom, but normally she sleeps in bed with us. No nursery, no separated bedrooms. Which is a lot easier when she wakes up at night to eat or get changed. The crying is reduced, and normally it's right back to sleep for everyone. Most people don't co-sleep, because if a parent is too tired/not sober it is potentially harmful to baby. But we don't smoke/drink, so having her in bed with us isn't an issue.

I haven't been updating the blog as often, mostly because Z takes up all my time and energy. But hey, she's a baby, she needs me and her dad to take care of her.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Seventeen Days of Baby

I have had a baby in my life for seventeen days. That is seventeen straight nights that I have either a) not slept, or b) slept in 2-3 hour intervals. I'm frustrated and annoyed.

But went to an appointment today for Z and I. She is above her birth weight! 7lbs and 10oz and she's now 19 1/4 inches long. She's growing. I'm not sure how long she's going to stay so little I can sleep with her on my chest.

Me? Well, I managed to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. That's right, no sleep and not eating makes you lose weight like crazy.

I'll have to update with all the issues I've been having with my BFs family. But I'm just too tired at the moment.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Things I didn't realize I missed

1) My bladder holds an enormous amount of liquid.
2) I can wait to pee if I want
3) Sleeping on my stomach is amazing
4) I can sit any way I want to

Stationery card

Floral Contour Pink Birth Announcement
Birth announcements & graduation announcements by Shutterfly.
View the entire collection of cards.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Boobies, Parenting, and 4am Bedtimes

Yes, another post about my second base issues. Mostly because I am exclusively breastfeeding Z until I go back to work. And also because I have a lot of things to say about breast feeding.

I go to a support group for breastfeeding moms. Its pretty much the best thing ever, a bunch of moms with infants, all with similar struggles with latching, milk production, milk over production, public issues, intimacy issues, and relationship struggles. It's been a nice place to just get out and take Z because I can just feed her when she's hungry, and get help from a lactation consultant. Also, I get to bond with other moms in the area, and share their stories and triumphs and issues.

Also, I bought something for me and the baby. It's called a 'brest friend' and it's this pillow/intertube/thing that I snap around my body and can put Z in the right place for feeding. Because my back hurts sometimes, and my arms are fatigued and she doesn't like to latch on right away. It's more stable than the boppy I had been using, and gives back support.

My boobs have totally hulked out now. I'm sitting at a DD. I've never been a DD. I don't know how I feel about it. They are freaking huge, and leak all over, and I accidentally sprayed my baby in the face while trying to get her to latch this morning at 4am after we went to the store because she wasn't fucking sleeping.

In fact, I didn't realize that breast feeding was such a big deal. Mostly because it was the only way to feed children for thousands and thousands of years. Until the 1950s when formula was introduced, breast feeding was passed from mother to daughter, grand mother to granddaughter, aunts and sisters all learning and teaching together. I don't understand why some women don't breastfeed. First off - it's cheap. I don't want to sound like the 99% or the just living below the poverty line person that I am, but cost effective. Second, studies all show that breast milk is the best thing for babies. It always comes out the right temperature, the right mixture, and the right amount (when baby is latched and sucking correctly).

Formula was never an option in my mind. Never. My mother breastfed me and my sister, all my cousins were breastfed, I don't understand why anyone wouldn't. Or why they wouldn't try.

Side note - had the strangest conversation with my aunt-in-baby (kind of like an aunt-in-law, only the BF and I aren't married, you get the jist) asked if we were going to change Z's diaper every time she peed. Because apparently, we "are going to go through a lot of diapers really quickly."

Um, of course we are. Dry diaper = happy baby. Dry diaper = no diaper rash, no infection.

You don't change a diaper on someone you work for (ie any of my consumers) that's a recipient's rights violation, it's neglect.

Not changing a wet diaper for a baby is child abuse.

But the chances of me taking a lot of parenting advice from that pair is slim to none, because oh wait - she didn't breastfeed in the hospital because she'd "have to go down to the NICU every three hours," and she still smoked her entire pregnancy, and still does! I'm sorry, that kind of role modeling, no thanks. I may be a young new mom, this may be my first child, but at least I can make the right decisions when it comes to Z.

I don't smoke, I didn't my entire pregnancy. I took good care of myself, didn't gain too much weight, and I'm eating pretty ok right now (sure it will get better after the holiday season is over...).

And you know what? I'm remaining sober while I breastfeed. Why? Because it's too much damn work to plan out drinking, and I suck at remembering shit like that. Maybe I'll just adopt a sober lifestyle - probably do me some good. I'm liking sober me pretty well these days.

I can make the right decisions for my child and my family - why is it so hard for other people?

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Birthday Present

I know it isn't customary to get a child a birthday present until she's been alive a year, but I just couldn't resist. This is the same book my dad read to me growing up, and now I have my own copy.

Happy belated birthday, my little raptor.


Sleep 1

No sleep for the weary.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Starting a New Life

I have been told that my posts from my phone are unreadable, and unintelligible. My sincere apologies.

Therefore, it it back to the computer for me, and into the wrap for Zelda. Mostly because I think she actually likes it, and two, I get to have her and feel like a native in the fields with a baby wrapped around me. It's kind of cool, just a big cloth that I wrap around my body, leaving pockets for baby, and she gets to be kinda swaddled/rocked/soothed by me, and it's all hands free. Really convenient.

I have discovered just how much work a newborn is. The crying, the feeding, the pooping, the peeing, trying to keep involved and engage and at the same time not drive myself crazy has taken a serious toll on me. I feel like there is nothing left to give at the end of the day, that I have spent myself caring for this one person, I have no energy to shower, cook, clean, or even sleep.

And we had our first parent fight last night. I asked the BF to take Z for a change since I just fed her. He nodded and kept playing Skyrim. As her screams escalated, I got up and started to change her. He realized that was wrong and put down his game immediately  to try and take over. At that point, I was too angry to let him help and just finished that round by myself. I didn't let him hold her, and I just curled up in my rocker recliner when she fell asleep to try and start out the night sleeping as well. Of course, I was too pissed off to fall asleep, so I ended up sending him texts as he was in the bathroom asking if we could talk. He said that he had zoned while playing and assumed I would pass her, and I assumed that he would turn off the game to take her from me. Assuming makes an ass  of you and Sean.

Gave Z a bath last night too. She didn't like it at all. But the umbilical cord fell out, and it was time for her to get clean. Also took her to the store for the first time tonight - she hated that too. Guess she's just a home-body at the moment. And I'm not going to complain about it. I like chillin at home and doing pretty much nothing but Skyrim and feeding.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Sleepy Time

I enjoy the fact she looks like a normal sized person when she sleeps.

I never thought babies were cute before I had one.

Happy one week, Zelda.


You Are What You Eat - And What You Eat Ducks Up Your Life

As I struggle with new parenthood, I have a few observations. Post partem Kal sucks to be around. I thought I was frustrating before with the placenta, but I had no idea. I burst into tears for no reason, get irrationally angry, and can't manage to let anyone else touch my kid.

The past few nights have been tough, especially with the family stuff and having my parents come to GR. My dad cooked us dinner, and it went pretty smoothly until my sister started to feel left out. Shecaused a scene, and when I asked them to take thro fighting outside so I could calm down and feed Z, they flat out out ignored me.

So Z and I packed up and hid in the bedroom. Sean nearly yelled at my parents for making me upset. But more drama avoided.

My dad finally met her. I think that bucket of crazy is over.

Went to Sean's parents house later in the evening. At first that was stressful - all the kids want to tell my BF about what new level in Skyrim they are, what new armor they found, and don't have good volume contol. But as soon as Grandma and grandbaby were united everything calmed down. I burst into tears because of the stress, but I also got to talk to Grandma about baby stuff, my own issues. She asked me if I was going to start pumping breast milk pretty hesitantly. I am, I just didn't want to start too early and have my body go - "hold up, this feels like two babies, MAKE ALL MILK!"

And when I say you are what you eat, I had cheesecake and cherry pie....and now I have a fussy baby that hasn't had that much sufar by proxy.

More triptophan, less sugar tomorrow. Damn holidays that keep you fat.

Edit: Thank you smartphone for cleaning up my language.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Drama Llama

Alright, you caught me. The hospital wasn't drama free. We actually had some family issues, that really could have totally been avoided if communication was a little more open.

p, my mom and sister drove from Midland to hang out in the hospital with us. I didn't want to have bunches of people in and out the entire time, so I wanted to limit visitors to 2 outside Manda and Sean. Which was ok by me when his family stopped by, but then paraded though all awkward like.

Which led to this messafe from his mother that to me said - "Sorry for intruding on your new family, but Kal hates us and we don't like her either." It didn't say that exactly, but that was my interpretation.

We avoided the subject until my BF's friend finally went over to ask why she was so angry. She was upset that the kids didn't get to hold Zelda in the hospital and that my family didn't leave to go e them time. Which irritated me, because my family would have taken an hour to leave if she had said something/made a plan.

But, I invited them over after getting home, and only one uncle hasn't seen Zelda. Maybe I'm just too prickly, according to my mother. I feel like all I do is try to blend with the family. Yes, I have trouble with what my role is with the hoard of children. I'm not their peers, I'm not their friends (ish, there are two I would consider friends), and they aren't my siblings. I don't know how to act, so, I'm prickly and guarded.

There is just one thing that just kills me. One of Sean's brothers has this 'total catch' of a girlfriend. She does the same activities as his sister, she's friends with all the kids and (I'm a total bitch to say this but) perfect high school horse girl. I don't know her well, but I constantly feel inferrior to her.

I'm a catch. I play three instruments, speak/sign three languages, hold down three jobs, (what the help is wrong with me, AR about the number 3 much?), have a college degree, can produce viable (and cute) offspring, and endure the pain of childbirth without medication. I think I deserve some credit. I'm no tiffany, but I am by no means Emily.

Now that its been settled, I can go back to trying to be as me as possible around them.

In other more baby related news, newborns are difficult, and my emotions are the craziest things ever. Our first night home was awful. Z was up for three hours straight, and I was alternating breasts for feeding every half hour. She didn't calm down, and at about 3a I just lost it. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and held her close and just apologized that I couldn't fix it and how sorry I was she was so upset.

And of course, at that moment Z burps and quiets down for a second. I looks into her eyes, and gave her another boon. We made it, and I got to nap all yesterday with her on my lap. Feed, sleep, feed, sleep. I love my rocker recliner. Let bout wasn't too bad until 6a. Mostly because she had been feeding every hour, and I just couldnt fall asleep fast enough to catch up. But I got in a showe and this morning we are off to the doctor for her first visit!

:)

I love my daughter. She has Daddy's ears, but my dimples.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Holy Shit - Is This Happening? (Zelda's Birth Story)

Warning: This blog will be a) not family friendly, b) uncut, raw, and not suitable for young readers, c) image heavy, d) a combination of posts that I wrote in the hospital, but didn't get posted in the order I wanted.

18 November 2011
5:00p
Admitted to.the hospital. Having a baby.

I'll start from where the last blog left off. It was about 2am, I hadn't been admitted to the hospital, and I was having back pain every five minutes for a minute every hour since 9pm the previous night. It wasn't really frustrating to have to go back home, mostly because I didn't feel like it was time yet. It just didn't hurt quite enough to think it was actual labor. On the way home, we got candy and some sleep stuff and I managed to finally get to sleep for about four hours.

Six am on Friday I woke up having contractions. I didn't time them at first, and waited to see if they would just go away. After about an hour, I was still having them and I started to time them and decided to play some Skyrim. It wasn't too bad, bouncing on my exercise ball, playing my video game. I wasn't hungry at all, and only had to pause when a really powerful contraction happened. But wait, I forget some of my readers have no idea what this feels like. For me it was pain like a lower back ache that got worse and worse until it reached around to my front to feel like a menstrual cramp. This was all over a minute, so it was fast and hard pain, but subsided pretty quickly so I could get back to whatever I was doing.

At 11am, I had my regularly scheduled 39 week appointment with my doctor. He was the one they had called while I was in the hospital earlier, and he decided to check out my cervix to see what was happening. He said I was 3cm dilated, and he couldn't rupture my membranes because the baby was too low in my pelvis. Now - quick tutorial, rupturing membranes is when the dr 'aggressively' examines the cervix in hope to break the bag of amniotic fluid around the baby, which would send me straight to the hospital. But it was a no go, and he said to go home, see if the contractions get stronger, and go to the hospital in a few hours because I would most likely have a baby that evening.

So we get home, and I finally get something to eat. It was just a baked potato, cottage cheese water and it was back to Skyrim for me. I got a call from my cousin that she was on her way, and I basically stayed at home until 4:30p when she arrived. As the day went on, I tried to do all the different labor positions to get some comfort, but eventually ended up in the tub with some warm water that did the trick for a little while. When Manda was there, we headed off to the hospital.

6cm dilated - only pregnant picture. Oops.

I realized I never got a picture of myself pregnant. I never really changed size all that much, and as I write this, I am already in my pre-pregnancy clothes. Either I carried her weird, my body is made to hide a baby, or combination of all that and already being a chunky-monkey to start. 

When they admitted me, I was almost 6cm dilated, still contracting and just hanging out. The entire time, my cousin and BF were just cracking me up with Star Wars jokes, singing ridiculous things, and just keeping me laughing. It was fantastic just walking around and having the nurses just give us the weirdest looks. Once I got in, we got up to a delivery room, got my vitals, and I decided that I was in enough pain to warrant jumping in the jacuzzi tub. Which was fantastic. Hot water, jets, it was maybe 6:30p by the time I jumped in, and was given until 7p to just hang out. When it was time to get out, that's when it hit me. I felt like I had to BM, the largest BM that could ever happen to a person. With every contraction, I took a quick pee, tried to pass this invisible BM, and realized that I couldn't take the pain anymore. I called the nurse and asked for an epidural. Enough with this natural child birth shit for me, done. 

Done, done, done, done.  

This is the weird part. I get really hazy on the details, but I remember squatting on the toilet with my arms around my BF's waist just sobbing. It hurt so much, and I just tried not to scream. I remember saying "I can't do this." Then I remember just holding onto a hand, laying on my side in the hospital bed. The nurse kept telling me that if I feel the urge to push, to just go with it, because it makes it better than holding it in. The doctor came in, my back hurt, everything was hazy and he says, "So you want the epidural - what is she at?"

The nurse says, "100% effaced, 10cm and +2."

Now what that means is - I don't have a cervix basically, it is thinned to the point where it does nothing. It is 10cm open, which is as big as you can get. Now the +2 is where the baby is inside. The pelvic bone is 0, anything inside is negative, anything outside is positive. 

"Do you want to wait for the epidural?" my doctor asked me. 

"Which will be faster, the epidural or just delivering?"

"Delivering."

"OK."

It didn't seem like any time at all, and he jumped up and got into scrubs and pulled on his gloves. He told me that with the next contraction to pull my knees up to my chest and to push as hard as I could. Two pushes, had a screaming baby on my chest. I see the white cord and Sean comes over to cut it with a 'your welcome.' What a dork. 

Zelda Skye Keckler - 6lbs 13oz, 18.5in
7:41p 18 November 2011
Everything gets much clearer then. I had my baby near me, she was wailing, and I just looked into her eyes. It was the most amazing thing ever. They pulled down my hospital gown, and put her right on my skin. When the clarity happened, everything was just awful. My doctor was pushing on my stomach, and I could just see wave and wave of blood. My stomach hurt, but I didn't feel the contractions for delivering the placenta. The he starts to try and sew me back up. This was one of the worst parts of the delivery - having to sit still, getting poked with needles, and watching this long string and sutures being put into me. I had to just relax, but it hurt so much more. I think it was the endorphin/hazy feeling I had that were immediately gone. If you want the real details, ask Sean, he watched the entire thing happen. 

Finally they gave her the shots, and I breastfed her while we watched Prince Caspian. The first scene in that movie is a birth scene, which watched just shaking my head. "It wasn't anything like that," my cousin said to me, "You were much better than that." I have a feeling that Sean put in a "She's a puss,"

Aunt Amanda and Zelda! That hat is way too big, but still cute.

Daddy and Zelda together at the same time. 
This is when I got to experience the hospital. I had to waddle to the bathroom and try to shower. That was awful. I was bleeding uncontrollably, everything was stained red, and I forgot shampoo. I didn't take a full shower, but I washed up really hardcore, got my face, and everything down below that I could. That's when I discovered the most amazing thing in the world. They have these pads to soak up the blood, but you break and shake them like a cold pack. Cold pack pads, best thing after passing a melon through your vagina. I hit those up so hard while there.

Zelda and Mommy, we were pretty tired.
The hospital stay was really uneventful. Family came and went,  my sister and mom were there. Manda was there. Sean and I stayed up most of the first night, just hiding the high of new parenthood. Tried to feed every two hours, she was checked almost constantly, I was checked. Gross hospital food, the works. I was having some feeding issues, but I got a lactation consultant to work with me and Zelda.

And they called her 'jaundiced.' Must get it from Daddy. :P
They have these wrist bands for security, mine said 'kisses' and hers said 'hugs' and every time they got together they would play the first few notes of Brahms Lullaby. But I never had her out of my sight, no matter how many times the nurses came in to 'just take her to the nursery to check something.' Nope. I got my ass out of bed and followed. Not because I don't trust them, but because I'm psycho crazy mom. And every time they brought her in there, she cried and I just wanted to bust in and take her back.
Welcome to the world, Zelda.


Sunday morning we got all ready and headed out at about noon. Got home, and have just been not sleeping. Sean's family have been over twice in different amounts. Each time they bring a different combination of kids. It's been nice to see them a little, but I definitely enjoy just taking  nap with my baby girl.
Finally home!
20 Nov 2011
Now that I'm done being pregnant, seems I need to change up my paragraph up top. Might continue blogging about parenting and mommy stuff.

All in all. Welcome home, Zelda Skye. I've loved you already for so long, now I can finally share you.

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Actual Countdown

3cm dialated
Contractions 5 min apart
90% cervix effaced

Go team go. I'm off to bounce on my exercise ball and play skyrim until this baby happens. Yeah buddy!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

False Alarm

At about 9pm last night, I started having contractions. They were in my lower back, and were happening about five minutes apart. So, I call the hospital, my mom, and then my doctor. They said wait an hour or so, if it continues, then go into the ER.

They didn't stop, so at about 11:15p, we head on in. I get into a gown, they hook me up to the monitor and check my cervix. 2cm dialated, baby's heartbeat is good, still no change in contraction.

Fast forward to 1a, check my cervix again and no changed. Doctor says to go home, and here I am. At home. Still contracting every five minutes and miserable.

How the fuck am I supposed to sleep?

Edit: I have acquired some doctor approved generic brand unisol sleep aid, and a king size kit-Kat bar. Hopefully I'll sleep.

Fat and miserable

I am miserable. Woke up this morning with the tightness in my throat that says, guess what, in two days you are going to be laid up sick with a cold.

Add that to the labor set up my body is doing, and there is a recipe for disaster. Since the plug passed, I've had this awful muscus drainage which means one thing - cervix is open for business. My back hurts, I can't sleep for longer than a three hour period before waking up.

I just want to lay in bed all day.

But I need to pack my hospital bag, get a picture of myself pregnant, and install the car seat base in the bf's car. Mostly because I've been procrastinating. And go shopping for a nursing bra. Might just hit up the local target, just something for right now.

Other than that, so ready to be done with pregnancy.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Final Countdown

Doo di doo, doo. Doo di doo di doo. Doo di doo, doo. Doo di doo doo di doo.

Ok, I'm not fantastic at the singing, but hopefully I primed your brain so that sounded right.

No worries, I am not in labor right now. Though I think posting a blog mid push would be way too entertaining. Nope, I just loss the cervical mucus plug, the barrier between my baby and he harmful bacteria of the outside world. Amneotic fluid is still entact, baby is still moving. But its coming down to the last of the last.

I'm feeling super nervous, mostly because skyrim just came out, and I want to go play it while I have time. But eight in the morning seems a little too hardcore to start...so I'm trying to hold out.

Manda is coming in a week. I just want to get in two more work days before I have this baby. Need that last bit of money. Oh well, as everyone keeps telling me. She's not going to be early or late, she will arrive on her birthday.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Final Touches

It's coming down to the end. Sitting here at thirty-nine weeks of gestation. Been playing skyrim, which is amazing. There is only one place in the apartment that I need to sort out. The pack-n-play has become a dumping ground for stuff, clean laundry, blankets, swings and the like. If I can managed to fix that up, then the apartment is newborn ready.

Besides that, I think I felt a contraction last night. Just one, my lower abdomin hurt like a period cramp. It was barely thirty seconds, and I didn't feel another one. But then again, my Dr is in Costa Rica...

In other news, both my ex and my partners ex are engaged. Again, I'm not hung up on getting married right now. My partner and I were talking last night and I mentioned it to him. He asked if I wanted to, and yes. If our relationship keeps being this good, is like to get married.

"You think this is good?" he basically shouted angrily at me. And being super preggo hormone woman I tear up instantly. But he just pulled me in and gave me a hug and said, "Cause its fucking great."

He just keeps reminding me why I love him. But he's a stinker.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

ZOOM!

Today I had the fastest doctor appointment ever. We were fifteen minutes early,  I didn't have enough time to let the urine build up, left the most pitiful urine sample of my life and were out before my appointment was supposed to start. This was mostly because my doctor is on vacation and in Costa Rica.

My explicit orders were - do not have your baby when I'm gone. Good thing I procrastinate like a boss.

Besides that, today was pretty boring. I tried to play 'Child of Eden' which was super difficult, mostly because I'm pretty sure I was seizing during the entire thing. There were so many lights, and shiny, and music it was just overwhelming. Maybe if I ever get a chance to take LSD, I'll try it again. Or maybe I need to figure out how to do it with the Kinect and not just the controller. Then it was grocery, and napping almost all afternoon. I want to go back to bed, but it was snowing. I sat on my couch and watched it until it stopped. It's November in Michigan, that's for sure.

So I'm trying to knock out some more words for NaNoWriMo. My muse isn't working today, and am having trouble writing. Mostly because tonight at midnight I get SKYRIM!!!!!!

SKYRIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I am more excited about this game than anything else, and because I haven't started labor yet. Which reminds me, I need to get a picture of myself pregnant. I haven't been tracking it, mostly because I didn't change much until week 35ish.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fancy Things and Birthing Classes

After the whole debocle with birthing classes being canceled, and insurance being declined, the BF and I finally got to go to classes. It was a two-day extravaganza taking over Friday night and Saturday. I think the weirdest part as the fact that all he other couples were most likely ten years older than us. One couple was cool, laughed, joked and were fun to talk to. But most every other couple didn't want to get to know anyone else.

What I found strange was the fact that two couples had moved back to MI to start a family. That's right, two families moved back to a state with one of the highest unemployment rates in the country to start a family. I'm confused, but people can be such homebodies. The only other couple I know ran away to TN and are staying there to have a baby (btw she writes a great blog about their journey). Which leaves me wondering how many younger couples do come back to get the family support?

I guess because I left home and started fresh in GR. It's were I live, work, my friends are here (during the school year at least, I am making more adult friends. Which is nice, I miss my young college friends, but meeting people that don't move away for holidays is nice.

In other news, got a fancy new phone all complete with android and smartness. Which is actually where I wrote this from. And now that I don't have four jobs, I have had time to dedicate to NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). 1666 wordsa day for 30 days. So far, I'm on track with 11,000 something words. And super excited to keep writing.

Well, 38 weeks along, and my cervix is all sorts of closed up. Not effaced, not dialated, baby is staying right where she is. I'm just ready to drop, hurting all over and feeling fat. I got an exercise ball to keep at my desk and do strengthening exercises. Oh well, the time is ticking down, and I have a full term baby.

Boom bitches, let's get it on.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Open Letter (This is a rant)

To whom this may concern;

I'm sorry you did not feel I was a good fit for your needs and that I did not fulfill the needs of your daughter. I do have a couple of questions though.

1) When paperwork is incorrect - why not just state the corrections that need to be made and have employees make the necessary changes?
2) Why not have employees celebrate national holidays?
3) When mistakes are made, why not state the mistakes and how to fix them?
4) What are the exact needs that need to be met? Is it companionship? Is it community involvement? Is it monitoring behavior? If so - how do you expect these needs to be met?

In regards to the needs of your daughter, I have another couple of questions. Are you fulfilling her needs when you -

1) Sit her in front of the TV all night
2) Are more compassionate to your dogs than your child
3) Blatantly lie on paperwork stating you were doing something with her, when in fact, you were sleeping
4) Use her for slave labor in a failing business
5) Use her money for expensive food that she doesn't eat

When she asks to do something - do you take her wants and desires into account? How do you explain the above behaviors?

I'm sorry we had to part ways, and that there was nothing constructive you could say to me rather than 'you are not a good fit.' I don't think there is a need for you to reply, but if you wish to justify the aforementioned queries  feel free to. It is disheartening to see this, and watch as you neglect a human being.

Best of luck,

Monday, October 31, 2011

Samhain

Just going to throw this out there - I'm an old lady.

It's not even 8:30, on Halloween. No parties to go to.

Just want to sleep. Not like I'm actually going to sleep or anything, since I wake up so much and roll over at least every hour or so.

In other news - my baby is technically full term now. Bitches ain't shit.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

In case you don't recognize the above title - it is a little guy flipping over a table in rage.

I want to do this. Why? Because people are stupid.

Last week, I got a notice from Medicaid informing me that I was no longer eligible for benefits. Being low-income, and having to paste together anything I have to make it month to month, I was confused but continued to read.

"You are ineligible for benefits because you are not pregnant."

Excuse me? What? Want to explain that to the extra heartbeat that I heard coming from my abdomen? This past week has been me trying to fight for some sort of medical insurance, because let's face it - I can't pay for it myself.

And next week I have a doctor's appointment, and the week after that, and every week after that until I pass a baby through my vagina.

Absolutely ridiculous. I'm just going to rant about the accessibility issue again. I know what I deserve as a first time parent, I know to call my case worker, I know to email until I get a real response. I'm tenatious and annoying and obnoxious - because shit like this keeps happening to me. First with birthing classes, then with hospitals not taking my insurance.

If our society is so hell-bent on healthy kids and futures, why the fuck does this happen? Why does the accessibility suck? It should be easy, it's nine months of starter care, and some education. Better to give education to parents that are young, provide care for those pregnant at sixteen girls. They shouldn't have to deal with this!

Ugh!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Lists Lists Lists

I have been trying to make a list of stuff to pack to take to the hospital. Mostly because there are all sorts of 'birthing plans' and books that I've been reading that tell me to. I only have three things to actually buy, which is a nightgown (who the fuck wears a nightgown anymore? I sleep in t-shirts and underwear), nursing bra, and some sort of breast pad.

Everything else we have in the apartment. Maybe we need a bigger bag for all the stuff.

I am freaking out.

Also - I quit with putting together things. And so does the BF.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Call Me 'Nesty McNesterson'

I thought nesting was a myth. Just like the bull that is craving pickles and ice cream.


Nope, not a myth. I lost my shit today, and started to do all the laundry of all the baby clothes/burping rags/blankets/other that had been sitting around the apartment. Everything has gone through the wash with my handy free and clear non-scented detergent that I use all the time. Also, I got a chance to start organizing. Which was super hard since we don't have a dresser for her yet. Slow process trying to get this place ready. Doesn't help my backseat for my car is still sitting in the middle of the place.

On top of the organization crazy that hit me, I also cleaned the bathroom. I won't show you before and after pictures, just trust me on how gross it was. I kind of want to set up the pack-n-play, but at the same time, I don't want to. And also we don't have a crib yet, or a place to put it. I also need to rearrange the bedroom a little bit, aka move the guitars out and put the bassinet in.

I got through the laundry, and everything we have so far is sorted. I will fold it completely and organize better when there is a dresser to be had. Until then, baby is sharing with Daddy.

Isn't he the best?

Friday, October 14, 2011

Baby Party Part 2

Figured it was time to give the run-down of the Midland baby shower. The morning didn't go as planned, my ice got cancelled because of broken pipes and ice melting down, and the BF was in bed for at least twelve hours sleeping off a cold. The trip wasn't too bad, except for the GR traffic and construction.

But we got to Midland fine, and then got to hang with the family while one of my best friends and her mom kept doing party stuff. And I got a chance to experience my sister being jealous. My sister is eleven, and since I left the house four years ago, it has been all Mo all the time. She made a point to get all up in the party business, throw a couple of fits, and just all this ridiculousness. It was like she didn't seem to understand that it's not like she's going to get ousted by my baby. They aren't going to even be in the same town, and this attention seeking crazy is something I hadn't really noticed. As a baby she used to strip in public, and I guess this is just the next stage of her.

I just hope she grows out of it.

The baby shower was again, like the last, slightly awkward. It was mostly all my old teachers, and then a bunch of moms that my mother is friends with. Then there was my BFF LS, my BF, and my cousins Manda and Rach. Favorite game was the candy bars. They were melted in diapers and we had to figure out what candy was candy. A lot of the other party-goers were disgusted, but I realized maybe I eat to much candy to be able to recognize so many of them melted down.

But overall, it was nice to get to hang with the family, and get some Diablo II in. Now of course the apartment is even more crazy baby-filled, and I can't manage to find a place for all the things. There are too many clothes, all different sizes of clothing and I don't have a way to organize any of it. Plus, I'm knee deep in trying to just wash it all so that we can have it ready for when she decides to show up.

In six weeks or so. Almost five. Unless she goes over.

But I'm still having my skin get stretched as she moves. And sometimes I can't slouch because her body is in they way. I don't want to be pregnant anymore, I want to be done, and this is just getting rediculous. I'm huge - and whenever I think to take a picture, I a) haven't showered in days, or b) am not wearing a bra. Mostly because clothes are uncomfortable. And I don't like them anymore.

So fucked.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Truth About Baby Showers (Part 1)

I can already tell that this is going to be a two-parter because I'm having two showers. I was trying to hold out for next weekend to happen, but I just have too much on my mind and need to get it out. Mostly because baby showers are the most awkward things in the world.

First, having family that you don't know very well makes a baby shower incredibly awkward. Especially if they are all great aunts/uncles/grandmas. They are all related to the thing growing in me, but I have no idea what they are really like and have only met them a handful of times. And, like most family, I would only care to meet them a couple of times.

Second, a preggo lady invites her friends she wants to share this with. Special people that she may or may not have lost contact with for a long period of time. This makes the shower even more awkward - because any one of these people I could have sat down and had a conversation for at least and hour if not more just catching up on life. I got to see so many people I missed, but I didn't get a chance to hang out with anyone or really show them how much they all meant to me.

And that's the truth about baby showers - all the people you want, and no time to tell them how awesome their friendship is.

Here's another thing for thought - posted on reddit by jeeluh :

The original title of this was "anyone find this as rude as I do?" In fact, yes, just like having to troll your friends for addresses to send them an invite on facebook because a) you lost their phone number, or b) you have no other way to contact them besides the damn internet. I think something like this is incredibly rude - it's making people feel guilty for not being able to come to the shower. In fact, I have had at least three friends that couldn't make it to my shower contact me and ask when I was coming over to hang out/get presents. Well, one group of friends and two individuals. But still, they contacted me, not me posting a thing on facebook for the world to see.

"Look at me, get me gifts, be happy for me," blah blah blah. I hate facebook sometimes. That's why I post nothing about the baby on there. It's not the world's business how my pregnancy is going. I'm repeating myself, I've said this all before. This is why I have a blog. 

So, only one more shower. I am never doing this baby thing again. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Random Thought

Week Thirty-Two:

The baby is almost four pounds and most likely about nineteen inches. It squirms, my stomach ripples with the movement, and there is no way to sleep comfortably. My hips and shoulders ache from laying on them, my hands are always numb when I wake up. And I might be having Braxton Hicks contractions - but I don't know what they feel like so I have NO FUCKING CLUE.

This hit me last night when the BF and I were at Meijer. We got stopped in the baby section because of fuzzy hoodies that had ears and a bear face on the hood. I know, me, stopping for baby stuff? So we are looking at all the different bears things when the BF picks up a white/cream one.

"Look," he said, "We can dress her up as a polar bear."

"Yeah," I replied, "And if she has your coloring, she can be like a real one."

Herp derp a derrrrrrrr.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Birthing Classes Rage

I am very angry about the state of birthing classes. Mostly because I was supposed to start them three weeks ago, but the hospital I was going to deliver at called me. My partner and I were the only people that signed up for the class, so they cancelled them on us. Then they proceeded to tell me that my insurance wasn't accepted at that hospital. First I couldn't deliver at the first hospital (where I had my ultra sound), because my doctor didn't have privileged anymore, so I changed to the hospital across the street.

Now I had to change to a completely different hospital (good thing I live in a big city right?), in downtown GR. But it gets better, I signed up for the birthing classes and got the paper work in the mail. Highlighted and underlined was "medicaid clients please bring your doctor's permission slip with you to class." Doctor's permission slip? Excuse me, but when did I get tossed back into high school and needed permission to have education about my child. I'm having a baby, I am an adult, I have (four part-time, but still) a job, I pay for my own things, I live my life independently - why the fuck do I need a permission slip? Oh, I'm sorry, I made adult choices but I don't need a permission slip to get something that I need.

I need childbirth classes, I need to be informed, I can't do this on my own, and I shouldn't have to jump through hoops to do this. I have enough on my plate - fuck these cancelled classes, fuck these permission slips, fuck hospitals that won't accept insurance.

Say what you will - I shouldn't have had unprotected sex with someone I had only known for four months. I should have been more careful.

But seriously - what about teenagers that make bad decisions. I know to push until I get what I need for my child and me. I since I can't manage to work enough to support myself to get some sort of government support. I enroll with my community to get support through a nurse, dietitian, WIC, food stamps, medicaid, and remembering to sign up for breastfeeding classes and the like. I have the knowledge to get all this in order, I had to do all of this on my own. A teenager with other things on her plate - how is she supposed to get exposed and get all the help she needs? Why is our society so supportive of pregnancy for certain social groups of people? If there are to be healthy children, the health care for pregnant women needs to be more accessible.

I'm not the typical pregnant lady. I have no nesting instincts, I haven't bought maternity clothes, and I still just look like a fucking fat ass. Back to UFC trainer. I'll just punch out my anger.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Exercising Part 2

I feel so fat and lazy. Mostly because I was in bed from last week Thursday to yesterday with a cold. No drugs, just some tylenol to make things not hurt quite as much. But I drowned it in juice, tea and water, and burned it with the steam from my deadly shower.

And set off the fire alarm twice with the steam. That was fun.

But since I'm feeling back to better, I figured it was time to get a little bit of exercise into my daily routine. In spite of the four jobs, I only work one-three days a week. That's what lead me to the UFC trainer for the kinect. I am not a fighter, traditionally, but I figured that arm workout would be acceptable to try in this stage of my pregnancy.

And baby hasn't been moving as much the past couple days, which is freaking me out. Doctor on Thursday, so things will get checked out.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Parenting Things

30 Weeks(ish)
Baby is almost three pounds, movement is every day, flatulent, constipated, and can't sleep at night. It's fantastic. Don't have sex, you will get pregnant and die. When it comes to pregnancy stuff, the kicking is kinda cool, but at the same time a little distressing. Especially because as soon as I notice there hasn't been a lot of movement, I start freaking out. Then of course she starts kickapalooza all over the fucking place so then I'm just pissed off again. Or getting a side-cramp, and then having her kick me in the same place as that. Not fun.

And Braxton Hicks can just go fuck himself. These fake out contractions are not comfortable.

In light of the 9/11 tragedy, I thought it was a good time to post up another blog about parenting issues.

For instance, I started to work at a day care (in addition to Hope Network, teaching skating twice a week, and starting a care giving position), and I noticed something really strange. The kids I was taking care of played a game I had never heard of, a game called 'nine-eleven.' It is just as crazy as it sounds, kids play make believe. One is bin Laden, one is a marine, and one was jumping out a window as 'the plane crashed into the building.' I kid you effing not, these kids were running around, yelling at the top of their lungs 'I'm Osama bin Laden, and I'm going to Afghanistan to get more planes!'

Did kids in the 1950s play Holocaust? Because that was about ten years in the past for them. Most of these kids weren't even alive when 9/11 happened. Its so strange to think about a child that thinks that 9/11 can be a game to deal with the intense tragedy that it was for the American people. Its just weird.

How am I supposed to explain these things to my child? How am I supposed to explain the black plague, the gladiators, the genocides still going on today? This is too much work. How do I give her the knowledge she needs to be an informed member of society without destroying her psyche?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Playing the Positive Game

A holiday weekend is the perfect time to update my life with a blog. I got to get a chance for some 'real camping' this weekend with the BF's family. It wasn't so bad, slept on an air mattress in the back of a van, walked all over Mackinaw City - and hurt like a bitch afterwards. The four hour drive one-way wasn't so great though, but I got to talk with the BF for the first time in what feel like a long time.

It started with me realizing that I can't be a mother without him, and realizing that he could be a father without me. Which lead me to think that maybe I am obsolete once I have this baby. It was hard watching him have fun with his family - and I'm just not on the same page as they are. I don't do crowds, and I am blunt. I treat people like adults, and I treat people professionally. I don't do family, but right now I am going to have to. On the way home, we talked almost the whole time. I cried mostly, just too angry and hurt and thought that I was not going to be able to have a family of my own.

Everyone always says it changes when it's your own kid. I'm child-phobic, I'm family-retardant, and I can't do this alone. I want to grow old with my partner, I want to raise this kid, and retire and move to Florida with him. But our priority is our child, not just our relationship. Whatever is best for her, no matter what it may cost us. It's hard when you love two people at the same time.

He even said 'I love you' to our child first, before me. And I can't blame him - I'm kind of a fuckup.

It has been nice to just kick back with him. We sat around yesterday and watched Tangled, and then he took me out to dinner at a Chinese buffet place near the new apartment. Then we went out to the bar with a few of his friends. I was really happy last night, having fun, and being with my guy.

And today, I got locked out of my apartment. Not because the BF took keys, but because the lock goes to the outside. So I got to sit outside and blargh.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Week Two of Suck

Got two emails that said no to employment opportunities. It was really frustrating, and then I had to deal with one of Sean's toxic friends. For me - there is a different between helping a friend that is down, and a 'friend' that chronically leeches off of every one and doesn't have any social decency.



Well, as the uppers have decreed, I have another reason to hate him. Which has thrown me into an intellectual mindfuck. It started when the friend (let's call him Douchwaffle) sent my man friend, a picture of a woman's genitalia with the caption 'all night long.' This got me to wondering - how many women send pictures of their vagina to their fuck buddies/sexual partners/soon-to-be partners?
That's not the point, I think she has poor judgement in people for sending the picture in the first place. I trust my partner that if I were to send a picture of my nether regions or voluminous breasts, that he would have the decency to save it for himself and not text it to his friends. And that's where I have this moral/intellectual mindfuck.
Yes, I think she made the wrong decision - but if she is an exhibitionist, that's her deal. Something tells me that the pussy picture was not shared with consent, and that's why I am so angry with Douchwaffle. Think of the girl attached to the pussy you arrogant asshole! If her face and vagina are connected somewhere in the internet, and you have spread her picture around, you are responsible for when she does not get hired for a job because some employer is a super sleuth.
Where does responsibility lie? Is it with the girl that snapped the picture, or is it to her boyfriend that sent it to his friends? Or is it with the friend that sent it to his buddy and uploaded it to the internet?
If it were me - and this is a totally biased opinion, if I got a scandalous message, it would be kept private. If someone sent me a picture of someone else's vag/penis/genitalia, I would text them back and ask if they realize they could be spreading this without consent.
So Douchwaffle - thank you for giving me another reason never to introduce you to my friends. Because you are an asshole that has no morals and does nothing but knock up women. Take some responsibility for your actions and quit leeching off my partner!
On top of all this, the stress just drives me a little bonkers and kicks my fight or flight into high gear. That means my body begins to shut down, and I can't eat, my heart rate is high, pupils dilated, and I'm pissed off. Over all, not the best way to be when pregnant. When the digestive system stops, so does all the things that need to get to baby. 
But now after the debacle with the job stuff, a ray of sunshine finally came through. I have two more interviews next week, and all I need to do is get my certificates from Hope Network. Then I can get another job that I interviewed for today. Hopefully things will start working out a little bit better. And I won't be so worried about money things.
Close to real job, close to not having to worry all the time. Just need to catch a break. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Sleep

1. I find it hard to get to sleep.
2. I find it hard to stay asleep.
3. When I get up to pee in the morning, of course that rattles a fetus and she decides that 630a is a good time to start kicking.
4. I'm going to get you back for this in fifteen years when you want a boyfriend.
5. I'm going to play Oblivion. GTFO

Monday, August 29, 2011

Thinking Like a Mom versus Thinking Like A College Student

A few months ago, I made a comment about mom-powers with improving for food. One of my friends made the justification that perhaps it was more that I had't lost my college student powers rather than gaining mom powers.   Which I guess drives me a lot, especially today while everyone is heading back to classes, I'm at home. I don't want to be at home, I'd like to be at work, but I just can't.

But by Wednesday, I will have another job. Got another job offer from HN and had an interview on Friday. Soon I will be busy again, and I'm really looking forward to it. Mostly because then I won't feel as bad when the house is out of order. It comes down to the lazy factor, I know I should be keeping the apartment up to date, I should be running through laundry so it doesn't pile up - but I don't want to. And I'm a super procrastinator (again with the college powers).

Also I'm going to complain about sleeping. I don't feel rested when I wake up in the morning, and I need a nap at about five every night. Maybe that's just a college sort of schedule - or I do stay up weirdly late some nights. I don't like staying up later than midnight, but it happens when you get involved with the goddamn video games.

Another note - this whole pregnancy thing really makes me thing of all the different evolutionary things that keep humans alive. Apart from just the fight or flight, but the fact that babies are fucking adorable. There is that theory that babies are cute because they are defenseless and attractiveness keeps adults from a) eating them, b) leaving them behind because let's face it, for the first few year they are useless and slow. One would think to ensure the survival of our race that being pregnant would be awesome (no pain, lots of energy, etc), but it works in other ways. Hair and nails grow faster, face clears of acne, and there is that 'glow' that you get. I assume its for the same reason as babies being really cute - when you are pregnant, you are fat, slow, and weak. If you are pretty enough, your tribe won't leave you behind like the wounded gazelle you are.

I did feel super attractive this morning when the BF said I had long flowing curly hair. I've always had curly/wavy hair, and I haven't had a haircut since December. I think I look like a hippy - but maybe that's because bras are uncomfortable due to boob growage.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

End of an Awful Week

Last week sucked. When you are used to having someone around all the time, and then they are gone for five days, it just isn't fair. The BF went on a camping trip for work, with a bunch of consumers, and I hardly talked to him while he was gone. I missed him a lot, and it has been super hard to share him since he got back into town.

But it's back to baby planning stuff for me. Meeting with the nutritionist this week (I have been eating the worst stuff ever for me, and yeah, pretty sure I've gained some serious weight), doctor next week. My task right now is assembling god forsaken mailing addresses for all the invitees for the GR baby shower. It's a random facebook message, but it's what I'm working with at the moment. It's weird to think that in month it will be time to have a party, and the month after I will have a baby.

That's right folks, I'm in the 28th week, the last trimester. Bring it fucking on.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Rant

This is a rant directed at someone I used to be, and people that drive me a little off the wall.

I used to smoke, not weed, never done that, but cigarettes. I used to smoke a lot, I used to chain smoke. I used to smoke when I drank, light up when life was getting difficult, the works. Last November at Thanksgiving, I hadn't quite broken up with my girlfriend at the time, but Sean told me I had to stop. I knew it was bad for me, so I decided to stop. It's not hard to quit smoking, its hard to not start again. Whatever, I made the choice to not smoke anymore and yeah. Now I feel much better about myself.

Last night I went to the Electronic Music Night in downtown GR. It was a bunch of electronica, a huge mosh pit, weed in the air, booze snuck in, and my BF's biological father, oldest brother, father's lady and his meathead friend that I hate. I was excited to go out with the BF, but the company besides was not my cup of tea. The worst part of the night, was all four of them would light up cigarettes at the same time. So, I would take a step back to get away from the engulfing cloud of death. Without a second thought, they all took a step towards me. It was frustrating to say the least, and I just got annoyed with not being able to get away from these people by the end of the night. I don't enjoy their company, I won't ever them family, and they are degenerates in society in my opinion.

I'm not much better, but I have a job (for better or worse), I try to keep looking for more jobs (note another interview on Friday!), and have a college degree. I know there is all that 'ivory tower' bullshit with the insane amount of debt that comes from getting one goddamn piece of paper, but I did it. I put in the work-ish, and I did college. It's something I am proud. Of course I'm not my mother that got her masters before getting married and having a baby, but damn, people. I just can't make enough to pay rent, put gas in my car, and pay for food. I don't have the money for hospital trips and the endless doctor visits without help from the government. I've said it before - I pay taxes too, I pay off student loans, I don't have to be put up in a garage. I have talent and I haven't fucked up my life with crime/jail time or drugs.

I expect a lot from myself, I expect a lot from my friends. When they fail for some stupid reason (like getting drunk and drunk dialing their ex and getting all sorts of drama, which again used to be me too), I get angry. I'm angry, and I don't like to associate with people that don't do anything for themselves. I associate with people that are successful, that may have to live paycheck to paycheck, but not people that leech off of everyone in their lives. People that live off of food stamps, but manage to have money for cigarettes, drugs and booze. I miss drinking, I do. But I didn't go out every day and buy a pint/fifth of liquor, I didn't go out to the bar and drop fifty or more dollars on drinks. I had a drinking problem, and you know what, I have to work at it (being pregnant helps, I'll be honest). Really? Really people?

I refuse to be that person anymore. I'm an adult, I'm going to be a parent. And I'm not going to deal with these people and have these people in my child's life. Not acceptable.

EDIT: I'd like to thank my parents for how they raised me. I know most of the time I hate them and am angry at them, but they are my parents and I wouldn't change a thing about how I was raised.

I'd just like to extend a huge thank you to Frank and Kat for raising Sean, for taking him and his brothers and helping him become the man he is today. I am aware of all the nature versus nurture debates, but I think they have done just a fantastic job parenting and am so happy that I can now have Sean and them in my life.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Things I Did Today

After yesterday, I figured a more work safe and brain safe for this post. This is super image heavy, geek friendly, and just looking at one picture will give you diabetes.

Today I had a brainwave. I decided that so far we don't have exactly a baby room yet, so I decided to start sectioning off the apartment. With a couch it would be better to help, so I can move the table and get it all together. Well, right now I have a corner where my desk is, and my sewing table, and it looks like my mother's office. And there is a section of the wall where all the baby stuff will end up, which I decided needed a sign to denote who it belonged to. It started with just a piece of lined paper before I drew this up.


With an internet browser open to the logo, a pencil, pen and a perminiant marker, this appeared. I am kind of proud since I don't think of myself as an artist in the slightest. Then I started having issues with printing it out, and scanning it. So I sent a black and white copy to my cousin, who is amazing with digital artwork, and I did an awful scan job and attacked it with crayons.


Now it's hanging on the wall in the general area of where her 'room' will be.

That leads me to my first adventure for today. Reddit.com has had an upsurge of 'Nutella Empanadas.' I decided to give it a shot, and added my own twist. It's basically a pastry puff filled with nutella, marshmallows and banana. Fold it into triangles, crimp the edges, bake for 22 minutes at 350. Don't forget to brush it with eggwash, and sprinkle with sugar. After baking, pull it out, cool 5 minutes, and sprinkle with powdered sugar.


It tasted ok, just had to go from alternating bites of banana and nutella. I figured the next time I try, I'm going to mix it together, and then use it as a filling. But yeah, that's been my day so far. I'm really kind of happy with how today has gone.

I also feel a little accomplished, since all I've done in the past few weeks is apply for jobs, play Obilvion, and go to interviews. 



Friday, August 19, 2011

Boobs

As the title of this blog suggests, I am going to be talking about my breasts. If you don't wan to hear about it, close the window. This will be graphic, it will be gross, it will not be fun. It might be entertaining, but if you don't want the intimate details of my boobage/sex life, you can just pass this one by.

Let's start with the pre-pregnancy Kal's boobs rundown. I knock out about a 38 D, I have some extra holes, and I like having them played with. My left side is a little bigger than the right, but never anything too much or anything. I wear two bras when I exercise because that kind of movement causes the giggily giggly and it's painful. I like by breasts, I think they are mildly attractive, but I usually wear t-shirts and cover them up, tuck 'em in, the works.

Since being pregnant, the sensitivity is up to the max, but I still like it. I can't complain too much, but the left breast has swelled to almost double the size of the other one. Ok, maybe not double, but regular bras are totally out for extended periods of time. So I'm in this sports bra thing, kind of saggy, and the left side is way bigger than normal.

Now comes the really gross part. Last night, I'm climbing into bed with the BF and I roll over. The next thing that happened was I was cold and wet. Confused and I started searching my shirt for why I was cold and wet, freaking out. There was a wet spot, a small circle of yuck. The BF suggested that maybe I had started lactating. So I squeezed my fun bags and stuff came out. A little clear bead of stuff, but still. Gross-tastic.

Of course I'm like, uhhhhh, this sucks. And the BF was just like - "hey, let me see."

TL;DR My boobs leak. Fan-freaking-tastic.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Fat vs Pregnant and Parenting Techniques

Many of my friends want to see what I look like pregnant. They keep asking me for pictures and wondering how big the bump is. It's still the strangest thing, at twenty-five weeks, I am still not looking that pregnant. In fact, I feel like I just look like I'm fat. It doesn't look like a baby bump, it looks like I've been chowing down on everything I can get my hands on. Which is the truth, my cousin is up for the week, and she asked "when do you want to have dinner?"

I don't care when dinner is, I'm always hungry. It doesn't matter, when dinner time happens, I promise I will be hungry for it.

I have some strange ass swelling still, one ankle is doing strangeness, while my body is just bloated. Everything is still uncomfortable and there is no way to sleep comfortably. I don't feel pregnant, I feel fat and unattractive. Not like I'm trying to get anything (I'm still with the BF, and lets face it, if he didn't think I was attractive I wouldn't be here writing this), but seriously. It's gross, the farting, the throwing up, the endlessly tippy waddling walking. Let's face it, in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, I'd be left behind. Waddle, waddle, NOM. But having the shotgun under the bed is kind of reassuring.

I am tempted to post up a picture of the belly - but it's gross and I look like a zebra. A zebra, all the stretch marks are just destroying my skin. I'm going to wait on the baby bump though, and yes I have had some people touch it. No strangers so far, because I will break someone's face.

Updating from the tablet with the keyboard. It is so small, I feel like my hands aren't the right size anymore.

But my cousin is up for the week, and having my BFF around is nice. It's a back to vacation life, sitting around playing music, reading comic books, and watching really silly TV shows. She brought me some super cute baby clothes with spaceships and one that said 'first mate' with a pirate thing going on. It was really happy, plus she brought the original version of the Star Wars trilogy. I'm talking the original theatrical releases. None of that silly 'special edition' stuff - Han shot first, the graphics are awful, and no Hayden Christensen. Its on VHS, but luckily the BF hadn't gotten rid of his old VCR.

Which brings up something that I do have to think about when raising my child - do I introduce her to the movies in order in which they came out - or the 'chronological order.' So far, I think the way I was introduced to them would be the best, especially with the Darth Vader as Luke's father twist. I'm sure in the 1970s everyone shat themselves when they heard that, and I want that for my child too. Just like KotOR with the main character twist, the ending of Final Fantasy - I want these shock moments to be just as shocking for my child as they were for me. I don't want her knowing who died in which book of Harry Potter, I want her to read Jane Eyre and not know that Rochester is already married to a crazy.

Maybe I'm just weird, but...these are classics. From video games to movies, to books, I want my baby to understand that these are not mainstream, they are revolutionary.

And I fucking hate Jar Jar Binks. I will not expose her to the Star Wars prequels if I can help it.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Thunderstorms and Presents

My mother and sister came to visit me today. It has been nice, they brought me a sewing table (so I can get my creative on and make a blanket or two), and my graduation present. It turned out to b a Acer Iconia Tab W500.  It runs windows 7 home premium, but it will make a nice addition to hiding in my bag and taking to work with me while I do nothing all day.

But, we had some pretty amazing thunderstorms last night, and lost power and everything. The lightning was striking, the thunder was booming, and guess who woke up. Oh, not me of course, but baby. BOOM! *kick kick kick kick* BOOM! *kick kick kick kick*

It was insane. She moves at the weirdest points, loud music, when I try to sleep, and loud noises. Or an xbox controller shake...because Oblivion has totally taken my life over. But now that the baby is kicking pretty normally, the best part is I keep throwing up in my mouth!

That kind of sucks, along with the random sneezes that may or may not cause me to pee myself a little. Little things, just little things that you take for granted when you don't have an extra person growing inside you. She drives me a little nutzo, and sometimes I feel like I can't take it.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Fall Job Acquired

I have acquired a second job for the fall. It's a skating job, something I'd never thought I'd do for a career move in my life. It's a three times a week, seven week session job, and it starts in September. Which give me time to find another job (hopefully with Hope), and schedule I my life in order so I have something to do each day and make some extra money.

Today I went to go have my interview/practice class. It was tough because I haven't taught little little kids skating in a while. And there was only one kid at class today. Not bad, and I was told that I am very technical and very thorough in my teaching. I told them I would be better for an adult class, and hopefully that will pan out in the future.

But yeah, the search for an extra job continues - along with my one day a week at HN. :)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Present to Myself - Early Present for Baby

I didn't realize what a huge change I was making in my life when I got pregnant. It has really hit me today. I went out and bought a piano. Mostly because my BF called me while at the 'RE-store'. It's like Goodwill, but a step up, and it helps support Habitat for Humanity over in GR. He called me this morning and said, 'hey, there are two pianos here. One is thirty bucks, the other eighty.' I asked if any keys were broken, and he didn't quite give me all the answers I was looking for. But, I threw on a bra and ran out the door. The cheaper piano was jank, about 1 out of every 3 keys was broken, and it just didn't sound good.

The other piano was eighty dollars, but I sat down at it, and played whatever I could think of at the time. It sounded good, and I called my mother to do some research. It is a Busch and Lane, a piano company based in Chicago that moved to Holland during the 1920s. The company went out of business in 1931, which means this instrument is at least 80 years old. My thought was, if it plays this well for being this old, someone took care of it. There are some cosmetic damages to the keys, but nothing that I can't start investing in. And there are two keys that don't work, both black in the lower register, and they are missing the hammers to strike the strings.


This makes me feel so mature. I know that my child is going to grow up with two parents that are low-income. I'm afraid I won't be able to give her everything that I had, in fact, I know I won't be able to. But now, I can give her this. I can give her access to a piano, I can teach her, and she will be able to grow up with a home with music.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Today Is My Birthday

That's right, I'm the big twenty-two now. It feels exactly like twenty-one, only I can't drink because I'm supporting a parasite in my abdomen.

So far, two really strange things have happened to me. First, I was having lunch with what I call 'the girl club' at work. Its a combination of the director, the office manager, the nurse, a case worker, and a behavior specialist. All female, all borderline mind numbing. But it means that during lunch (just like the rest of my shift) I can let my mind wander and deflect questions with a little to no tact. A case and point with this was earlier:

"How's the baby?"
"Fifteen percent survival rate if I have to deliver right now."
"What, that's depressing."
"Better than zero."

And onward to the really weird part. They were talking about this infamous picture, and the behavior specialist whips out her phone and shows me. There was my coworker, and next to her was my nemesis' close friend Jordan. Now, one thing I have to say about Jordan - he had a really nice car that I got the opportunity to drive the first and only time I've ever been to the bar with him. I'd almost trade assorted sexual favors for the opportunity again, but at the same time, nope.

Shocked I blurt out his name, the two girls look at each other and are just stunned. My world has become much smaller than I ever wanted it to be.

The second really weird thing that happened was as I was leaving work today. I took a gander in my mailbox and saw a butterfinger and an envelope. I hadn't mentioned to anyone that it was my birthday, so I took the candy (devoured by the way...me gusta) and envelope and went to my car. Eager, I opened it, and pulled out a 'thank-you' note. Not a typical way to say, 'happy birthday' but maybe they ran out of cards. Inside it said only this -

"Thank you for all that you do"

No signature, no from, no to, no date, no anything but one line. HOW CREEPY IS THAT?!

By the by, I'm not a huge birthday person anymore. I had those huge class parties in elementary school, I used to invite everyone on my friends list over to my house during high school just to see who would come out. Since I was born in the summer, it gives me a chance to see people that normally couldn't come in the school year - like my cousin. Last year I was at camp for my birthday, and today no one knew it was my birthday.

And I like it that way. I like just having time to myself and just doing what I want to. It's nice to relax rather than try to plan anything anyway. I made ghetto pasta-bake for dinner tonight, kind of like my impromptu pizza last night. Used all ingredients that I had laying around the house and just went for it. Whatever, the leftover pizza was pretty good for lunch today. My college improvisation skills have melded with my mom-to-be skills, and it turns out pretty good. I wonder what sorts of other creations are in the future. Maybe once I get that silly sewing table I can start baby-blanketing it up.

Twenty-two years old, the boyfriend is twenty-three years, and we have a twenty-four week old fetus. Doesn't get much better than that. :)

Monday, August 1, 2011

Exercising

It's the big e word, exercise. Doing exercise while pregnant is difficult, at least for me. I was an active person before I got pregnant, and during my first trimester I was trying to graduate, getting into summer mode, looking for a job - exercise fell by the wayside.

So my intention was to walk, keep up with that sort of things. Didn't exactly go as planned...so I decided to kick it up a notch today. I went ice skating. Before you all decide to freak out and go "YOU CAN'T DO THAT PREGNANT" - FO. I've been skating for longer than some of my friends have been alive, I know my limits. That being said, today hurt. All of my muscles that have been protesting normally for baby stuff were worked to the limit today. Walking is not going as planned, I feel drained and awful.

But I did it - I skated for forty five minutes today. And I'm going to go swimming later. The swimming hasn't been hard, and I've gone almost every day for almost a week. Which has been nice as a change.

But overall, I hate the fact that moving hurts.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Impending Changes

Since the newest installment of The Elder Scrolls is coming out this November only eleven days before my due date, I figured it was a good time to catch up on the first four games. This includes The Arena, Daggerfall, Morrowind and Oblivion. Fortunately the first three are on PC (and easily attainable) and the BF just bought Oblivion for Xbox 360.

Here is where I ran into problems. The first game came out in 1994, and runs on a DOS system. There is a laptop at my parent's house that runs DOS, but I don't have the means to run this game on a floppy from my current PC. Nevermind, I said, I'll just play the Daggerfall. Same issue, not supported with my system. If I was really feeling ambitious, I would just load up an ISO of Windows95 in a virtual system, and go with it. But I'm feeling lazy right now, so it's onto Morrowind for me.

I haven't started, but the fact that the baby will move around inside gets distracting from things.

Which leads me to the next subject - birth control. I'll admit, I'm not strong on the subject, but I'm going to post my thoughts about it. Obviously the BF and I were not using any, I'm not on the pill, and condoms just kinda went out the window after a few months of being together (mostly because I broke up with my relationship that I had been living with as well, but that's a whole other thing). Every professional I've talked to has asked me what type of birth control I am going to be using after I have the baby. The breakdown is basically as follows: abstinence, condoms, the pill, the patch, nuvaring, or an intrauterine device (IUD).

The first two aren't going to work for me, mostly because I'm a very sexual being. I'll admit it, I don't have sex just to procreate, I'm not like many of my religious friends. Intimacy is a part of my relationship with my BF. I realize its going to change having a child, but I think he's sexy. He's hot. I like looking at him naked. Whatever, call me a nympho, I don't care. The next thing is with the patch and nuvaring - I intend to breastfeed. My mother did it with two children, I'm going to make time for it, its the cheapest way to feed a baby. The patch and nuvaring will dry your milk supply out, so those aren't an option.

I thought about the pill, but the idea of hormones, and the blood clots and the side effects - no thanks. I can barely remember to take a prenatal every day and I have an alarm in my phone for it. That leaves an IUD, which comes in a 5-year hormone variety or a 10-year non-hormone. I'm leaning towards the 10 year one, I don't want to pop out a kid every two years. Not to say I wouldn't want more than one child, but for sure not now.

Maybe this first pregnancy wasn't thought through, but the next one sure will be.

I had to discuss this with the BF, since we are still together, still like each other, and want to be parents together. It would most likely be his kid the next time around, don't need any more baby-daddies in my life. No way. But there you go - that's my thought. Condoms once I'm healed from childbirth, but something a little more successful.


On a more positive note. Had a huge fight with the BF - mostly regarding him forgetting to text when he's going to be late and hanging out with his toxic friends. Mostly resolved, but I still hate them. There has been one just bright spot in the past day or so.

"I don't foresee us breaking up, we're pretty awesome together."