Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dealing with your ex blows

Week 6

This week in the pregnancy the jaw, cheeks, chin, eyes, ears, and nose are forming. No morning sickness yet, just still being all sorts of tired and such.

I am fighting a money battle with my ex. It's complete crap because she took nearly an extra grand out of our joint account when we broke up. And she wouldn't talk to me about it four months ago when it happened, she hid behind her daddy and had him email me and tell me that the refund check from our security deposit needed to be split.

Yeah, the security deposit, but not the extra that I paid in rent. The extra money should come back to me. I hate dealing with cowards.

Just finished filing my taxes. Pain in the ass.

On a happier note - technically I am still covered under my mother's insurance. But now I also have Medicaid so that I don't have any sort of copay. Exciting? I think so, time to go to Meijer and get me some more prenatal vitamins.

BF remembered I had my appointment today. That made me happy. It's nice to see him actually paying attention - especially when he forgets that I'm sleeping in his bed and he's playing black ops with his BFF. Not like that happened last night or anything. Because it did.

I guess what I'm having most trouble with is where to draw the line in our relationship. It's my body, it's my uterus, I should have the final decision in anything. I keep trying to mentally prepare myself for being a single parent, but still trying to be in a relationship. It's tough, especially because right now I'm no fun to be around, all I want is to sleep, and I have papers to write, homework to do, appointments to make, classes to attend, and work all on top of that.

Yesterday was pretty cool at work though, got to go see the butterflies with one of my favorites. Pretty awesome. I want to go again.

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Of course, I need to discuss the parents thing.

I haven't told my parents yet, naturally, they will flip out. And it's just going to be a debacle of all sorts. But the BD's parents already know, and they are so thrilled to be grandparents. They've started going shopping for stuff for the baby - which is a lot for me to try and wrap my head around.

In all honesty, I still need my independence. This is my pregnancy, this is my child, and trying to find where everyone fits into this new life it really hard for me.

Not to say that I won't still pull the 'my uterus, my rules' card. I do have the final decision, but that doesn't mean I'm going to listen to what my parents say, what the other grandparents say, and what the BD has to say. That doesn't mean I automatically have to do anything, and I know I don't have all the knowledge. I know I'm going to need help, I know I'm going to need support...

Let me do what is best for me, I know my limits.

But all I manage to do it upset them, telling them that I need to be on my own, and they feel like they are intruding. The other day I met them and the BD at Target to look at baby stuff. His mother picked out a kid leash, one of those backpacks that looks like a monkey with a tail that a parent can hold onto. Hate it. And of course they all decided to bring over all sorts of bunny items too. I hate bunnies. HATE. So of course I had to make a joke about it.

Little did I know that my side comment, "I'm going to go buy a wire hanger," would be so upsetting. I just don't really want to keep apologizing.

I have to make jokes about being knocked up - I can't keep dwelling on all the money issues, how I'm going to keep working, what I'm going to do as a career, what if it has something wrong, how much sleep I'm going going to get, and all the other stuff! I've got a lot to do, I'm the one that has to carry this thing to nine months, I'm going to be giving up my life for this kid.

I'm happy and excited to do it. I don't want to be a stay at home mom always, but if I am going to have to be a mom for a while. I want to be a mom for a while.

Finally picked out shirts for both sets of grandparents. Let's face it, I'm going to tell my parents in person, with a shirt that say's 'world's greatest grandma/pa.'

The BD has also said 'I love you' to my uterus twice now. It already has more l-words in two weeks than I've gotten in almost six months.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Same Questions

Week 5

According to the online sources and my handy little pamphlets, the thing should look like a tadpole, and is about the size of and orange seed. The circulatory system and heart are forming, and on an ultra sound the heartbeat can be seen. Groovy, there's your fetus update.

It's been a week since I found out that I'm pregnant. I'm still hungry, I'm still urinating very frequently, but now I have a headache and a sore throat. I don't know what I'm allowed to take, but I feel awful. Tried to go to the gym today to walk and stuff - barely a half hour before I just gave up.

But back to the real topic, I have gotten the same questions time after time. What does the father think? Have you told your parents? Are you moving in together? Are you going to get married? Do you love him? What are you going to do with your life? Have you picked out names?

Well - the BD is just about as excited as I am. No, I haven't told my parents, and I'm not going to until after I graduate. I don't know if we are moving in together, I don't know if we are getting married (to which I get the response - do you want to get married/move in together). Fuck if I know, I need to graduate first. Well, I need to get insurance and see the doctor to make sure it's not too fucked up yet, then graduate....not the point.

The L-word I'll discuss later.

My next stage of life is pretty damn clear, I'm going to be a mom, get off my jock. And yes, names have finally been agreed upon. Isaac Maxwell for a boy, and Skye Elaine for a girl.

I'm frustrated with the same questions over and over - and some of them I just don't have answers to. Mostly because I haven't discussed it with the birth father.

Worst part is - I'm going to have to keep answering these questions, to every appointment, prenatal care thing, support group etc that I become a part of. I just need to focus on what I need to get done right now - finish up school, I'm so close to being done. I refuse to mess up in the next five weeks.

In other news got the best text this morning: "I just wanted to say I love you and I believe in you."

My best friend totally kicks ass.

Up next: Medicaid appointment.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Here's the situation.

Tuesday I missed my period.

I can't tell you how stressful and crazy the past few days have been. Yesterday I missed it again, and I decided it was time for a test. So after class (and a few chapters of RE5), I decided to take a test.

It came up 'pregnant.'

My cousin who has been staying with me told me to drink water, and that we were going out to meijer to get another test. We went, got the tests, milk, butter, orange juice, chocolate and sparkling white grape juice and came home. I filled another cup, took another test, and it came back with the pregnant sign again.

Which leads me to today. After ASL, I skipped dance class to start driving all around the greater GR area - from Wyoming to Cherry street. After going to Planned Parenthood, I drove to Bethany Christian Services, who referred me to the Pregnancy Resource Center. There I peed in a cup, dropped some droplets and talked all about my relationships.

And here I am. Knocked up.

Told the BD (that's baby daddy for all of you out there), and he was being an ass last week. Wants some support for being the dad.

He apologized for that - so we'll see what the future brings.

Due date is Novemeber 22nd. Watch out, I'm bringin' a kid into the world.