Thursday, April 28, 2011

Impending Undergrad

Week 10

Baby is moving, but too small for anyone to notice, joints are forming. Only two more weeks, and I will have cleared the first trimester.

All that stands between me and my BA is one paper.

One silly senior project.

Come on! I've got bigger things to worry about - like getting a new job.

But I think since my former bosses' think they fired me, I might start with some unemployment benefits. Idiots, you can't fire me (basically) for being knocked up by the boy you want to have back as your son-in-law. That's not going to work for me, kthanxbai.

Been feeling super moody and have cried every day this week. Hopefully that will get better.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Moving on

On a side note to pregnancy things, I thought this would be a good time to say how fed up with work I am. I'm sick of the attitudes of some people, and I'm sick of people talking about me behind my back. Most of all, there are four people that actually have my back, and one of them I'm dating.

Mostly it's because my new supervisor yelled at me for letting someone sleep in late. Sorry I let him sleep all day instead of waking him up so he could punch himself in the face all day. If that was your life, being so upset and unable to communicate your concerns that all you can do is punch yourself, throw pans, and hit people - wouldn't you rather be left alone to sleep. Sometimes there is just no hope, and we are not equipped to help that. The people I support deserve better care - they deserve a staff that is trained to help them, not just babysit.

But guess who has an interview on Wednesday! Hopefully I'll be moving on to a better workplace, where I won't feel attacked anymore.

Three papers, two exams. I can do this!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Mothers

As most of you already know, my relationship with my parents isn't exactly the most awesome. We've had a lot of fights, been kind of distant for the past year, but whatever. Parents are parents.

Last night, one of my best friends called me to talk about stuff, and basically said, "You should call your mom. She deserves to know what's up."

So I did.

Everything went better than expected. We shared stories, cravings, she gave me advice, and it was really nice to be able to talk to my mother again. I was expecting a freak out, and a very negative reaction. But she was calm about it, talked me through some things, and we are in a pretty awesome place.

I love my mother. I'm sure eventually I'll complain about her again, but today she really made that step in rebuilding our relationship.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Infamous L-Word.

Week 8

The fetus is now the size of a large raspberry, looking a little less like a reptile and is beginning to have a face. The heart is beating at about 150 times a minute and the body can twitch.

After that baby update, it's time to move on to the body of this entry.

Well, here it is, I said I would talk about it another time. That time is now.

Saying the L-word was something that came easy in my first relationship and my previous relationship. The people I dated were my friends before I started dating them, so there was already love there. With the two Sean's (yes, same name, same spelling) that I've dated, love wasn't there at the start of the relationship, there was hardly a friendship. The first Sean I dated was my close friend's little brother, and I had a huge crush on him and thought he was absolutely hilarious. I enjoyed being around him, we flirted and started to date. Super casual, whatever, last semester of senior year, you know the drill.

We lost our virginity to each other. But never once said 'I love you.' Fucked up? Maybe slightly, but that word became stigmatized to me, I hated saying it. To be so close to another person, and then to not even be able to say what you may have felt like to them...

Maybe I didn't love him. I know I don't now, but trying to put myself back to where I was, I can't say that I did. Harsh? Fine, I suck with relating to people and am abrasive and blunt.

So that brings us to my current relationship, and the father of my still-pending child. We started with an awful foundation, my relationship in crumbles, his relationship ending, and we just decided to forget everything and just go for it. When you look at how we got together, we don't have a lot to build on. I told him early on - I liked him way too much (still do, whatever, not the point).

Last week the BF dropped the L-word on me. All I did was roll over and go to sleep. Couldn't fucking deal with it, didn't want to deal with it, just too in shock. Because we talked about how we didn't say it, etc. I apologized for not being able to be open and to deal with normal human emotions.

My deal is, I don't want to say the word if I don't mean it. If I don't feel it, I don't want to lie and say it. And I've fallen into the habit of saying 'I like you.' It's so much easier, and it means that I'm not too emotionally involved.

"That's stupid!" you may say, "You're pregnant with his baby, how can you not be emotionally involved?!"

Well, newsflash - I'm in love. I'm in love with an amazing guy, and we're going to have a kid and be parents.

Friday, April 15, 2011

I am not a ho.

Being pregnant does not make me a ho.

Being pregnant does not mean that sleep around and am stupid.

Being pregnant does not mean I'm immature.

Being pregnant does not mean I lack foresight.

Right now, I hate everything, and I hate the amount of judgement that seems to fall in my direction sometimes. Most of the responses have been very positive, that I can make it.

I can't do the negativity right now.

Being pregnant does not make me a social parasite on anyone's tax dollars. Fuck off, I pay taxes too.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Week Seven - not as planned....

Week 7

Baby is about the size of a blueberry, brain cells are growing and generating at about 100 per minute. Mouth and tongue are forming as well as the leg and arm buds.

Little fucker better be cute.


I went to the ER on Wednesday and urgent care yesterday. What I can figure is that the baby is fine, but my upper respiratory system is fucked. I have been coughing up all sorts of gross.

Wednesday morning I was feeling bad, running a little fever. But at about 7am, I coughed until I puked. The BF took me to the ER and they gave me tylenol with codeine and anti-nausea meds and sent me home. The rest of the day I was just in bed, didn't go to class, didn't do a whole lot of anything. That night he picked me up, and took me out to his place, where I've been since Wednesday.

Thursday didn't do anything but sleep again.

Friday I wanted to get up and go to work, but I don't have my car out here right now, and I can't drive anyway. So I went to work and sat with one of the ladies that hasn't been doing so hot. She has been falling a lot, and not eating. It's stressful, but work is work.

But last night the BF was going to go out with his 'friends.' I put them in quotation marks because I hate them, and they are part of his past - its one of our bosses and his ex's two sisters. I hate them so much, and I threw a fit because I'm sick and wanted to have company while I felt like crap. Eventually he relented and spent the night with me instead. Very happy camper in any case.

Today though, I woke up coughing again, and decided to go to work again. It wasn't so bad until my favorite little jerk decided to throw a sandwich on the floor, and when I told him he needed to go sit down and wait for dinner for more food he hit me.

Fucker hit me! Pissed off!

But the BF decided to wrestle with someone about three times his size and has pulled muscles in his neck. During a nap this afternoon, I was coughing rocking the bed, and he was moaning about his neck. Now we are going to play Diablo 2, and he has a heating pad around his neck. And I'm blowing snot bubbles.

Doctors appointment is also on the schedule now. But not until May.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Welp, the secrets out.

Apparently I can't manage to tell enough people my exciting news, and everyone knows.

Except my parents.

My ex knows, my BFs ex and entire fucking family (that would be my boss, her daughters, and my other boss that is sleeping with one of the daughters).

Geez, I tell the people that I feel are my friends, obviously I just have all blabbermouth friends and I'm huge blabbermouth. Once I tell the 'rents, I'm going to have to post it on facebook.

Actually, I just need to make a doctors appointment. Need to get checked out.