Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Infamous L-Word.

Week 8

The fetus is now the size of a large raspberry, looking a little less like a reptile and is beginning to have a face. The heart is beating at about 150 times a minute and the body can twitch.

After that baby update, it's time to move on to the body of this entry.

Well, here it is, I said I would talk about it another time. That time is now.

Saying the L-word was something that came easy in my first relationship and my previous relationship. The people I dated were my friends before I started dating them, so there was already love there. With the two Sean's (yes, same name, same spelling) that I've dated, love wasn't there at the start of the relationship, there was hardly a friendship. The first Sean I dated was my close friend's little brother, and I had a huge crush on him and thought he was absolutely hilarious. I enjoyed being around him, we flirted and started to date. Super casual, whatever, last semester of senior year, you know the drill.

We lost our virginity to each other. But never once said 'I love you.' Fucked up? Maybe slightly, but that word became stigmatized to me, I hated saying it. To be so close to another person, and then to not even be able to say what you may have felt like to them...

Maybe I didn't love him. I know I don't now, but trying to put myself back to where I was, I can't say that I did. Harsh? Fine, I suck with relating to people and am abrasive and blunt.

So that brings us to my current relationship, and the father of my still-pending child. We started with an awful foundation, my relationship in crumbles, his relationship ending, and we just decided to forget everything and just go for it. When you look at how we got together, we don't have a lot to build on. I told him early on - I liked him way too much (still do, whatever, not the point).

Last week the BF dropped the L-word on me. All I did was roll over and go to sleep. Couldn't fucking deal with it, didn't want to deal with it, just too in shock. Because we talked about how we didn't say it, etc. I apologized for not being able to be open and to deal with normal human emotions.

My deal is, I don't want to say the word if I don't mean it. If I don't feel it, I don't want to lie and say it. And I've fallen into the habit of saying 'I like you.' It's so much easier, and it means that I'm not too emotionally involved.

"That's stupid!" you may say, "You're pregnant with his baby, how can you not be emotionally involved?!"

Well, newsflash - I'm in love. I'm in love with an amazing guy, and we're going to have a kid and be parents.

1 comment:

  1. I'm in love you with you too Kate-Alice. you make-a my world-a go round-a. Cant wait to be a parent with you. you are freakin awesome.

    ReplyDelete