Wednesday, June 29, 2011

An Interesting Question

I've been thinking - why did I name this blog "How To Raise A Zombie-Killing Machine."

That's really simple, in case of the zombie apocalypse, my child will be better prepared at a younger age than anyone in this world. My goal is to have a plan for them, and have them prepared to execute it. My child will at least survive the zombie apocalypse, but quite possibly have the skills to stop/reverse it.

I know, I have such small goals for the little thing inside me that is about the size of a mango. My kid will kick your kid's butt. :P

Ran into my ex today at training. Still the same as ever - weak sauce. Wouldn't talk to me. Just can't stand being near her, mostly because she treats that friends that I introduced her to like crap and ignores them. Not just my friends, my close friends that were close with her, and even my family members. There is no insult like that.

You ignore my family and friends, you aren't worth my time.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Unrelated Things

I think people are stupid, and there are some cliques that I want to blow out of the water.

Person: "What do you want?"
Typical Preggo Lady: "Oh, we don't care, as long as it's healthy."


I'm going to say it - I kind of want a girl. I feel like I could be a better parent to a girl, because I helped with my little sister. I want to have someone grow up and potentially become my friend at the end of my life.

If I find out I'm having a boy next week - alrighty. No need for typical girly things, and I can tap into my videogaming chick-chasing dyke side. I want the baby either way, but my hankering is for a chica.

Ok, moving onwards.

Being pregnant doesn't change your entire outlook on life and change you into a mother. I know I've joked about my "mom-powers" but the fact is, I'm still the person that looks and children and cringes. All I can see are the snotty noses and the fingers covered in sticky god-knows-what, and I reach for Clorox.

It does readjust plans, but it doesn't change a person or their personality. I'm going to be the awful parent, but I'm lucky enough to have someone that loves kids that I love. Hopefully it can just get better from there.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Will the idiocy ever end?

My friend posted up this article on facebook. It upsets me, but not in the I'm sad and need to cry way.

I'm downright enraged.

This is bullshit. What about my mother who lost three children before twelve weeks? Is she a murderer?

What about any of your mothers/aunts/friends/family that have tried so hard to have a baby, and something doesn't go right? Are any of them murderers?I'm a pro-choice, but seriously, this? How many pro-life married couples trying to have a baby have a miscarriage for one reason or another?

Fuck every part of this.

Friday, June 24, 2011

More Crazy Dreams

I had a dream that I ran into my ex (that I lost my virginity to). I tried to punch him, but my BF stopped me and took me to the ground.

Dear Subconcious - really?

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Much Happier

I want to give some apologies for that last post. I was in a really bad place, and the estrogen was totally fueling my brains. So far, one of my closest friends offered me her drama llamaing to make me put things back into perspective. And I had a wonderful friend direct me to a video called, "Inglorious Ponies."

Haven't laughed that hard in a while. Much platonic love, just wonderful the outreach of support I've gotten. I'm so lucky to have people that care about me when I go off the deep end.

I just need to find some better ways to deal with this part of me. Good thing I got a sewing machine, and in a week it should be tuned up and ready to go. T-shirt quits anyone? I'm going to be so kick ass.

Today I went to look at apartments with the BF. It was nice looking around and checking out different places, and kinda going - yeah, we can do this. I know we are going to be long term, and if things keep going the way we are...

Well. I'm definitely ok with that. I'm so head over heels crazy in love right now, and I haven't felt like this in such a long time. Gush gush gush.

Baby wise - still feeling a little bit of pain, and I can't get comfortable for sleeping. Not ideal, but at least its not like I can't get out of bed. Two weeks until the next appointment. Go go go!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Emotions on the Crazy Train

I'm having one of those crazy days. On the whole I hate days like this, after a day of total productivity, I have a day were all I can manage is to watch trashy tv. My abdomen hurts a lot today, and I feel like I should take some tylenol. Also I did something stupid like buy lots of junk food, and I feel yucky now.

And here is my disclaimer. The rest of this post will be about my thoughts and feelings on miscarriage, and it will be depressing. If you don't want to read, just close out the window right now, and check back another day.

First I'll start out with the general definition of what a miscarriage is. A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a fetus before twenty weeks of pregnancy. After the twentieth week, this is called preterm labor. Some causes of miscarriage are smoking, drug abuse, obesity, disease in the mother, infections, caffeine and environmental toxins. Symptoms include bleeding, abdominal cramps, and sharp pain. Up to fifty percent of miscarriages happen before a woman knows she pregnant, fifteen percent of miscarriages happen during the second trimester, but the rate of miscarriage drops after the fetal heartbeat is heard.

I don't think what I am feeling is a miscarriage, and I hope that it isn't. I'm scared and hurt because I talked with the BF about what would happen. I've suffered from depression - I am a self mutilator and it's part of me that I will never be rid of. I'm at risk for pregnancy related depression, and have been warned and asked to seek professional help. If I lost this baby now, I don't know how I would even start to recover. I'm already an emotional wreck, I already spend a lot of my time stuck in my own head and upset.

I've heard the heartbeat twice.

If I lost the baby, I don't think I would survive, and I don't think my relationship would survive. I want to be with my BF with or without the baby, but I know I am volatile and hard to deal with. I've already done so much to try and make this pregnancy as safe as possible - I've done everything I can to keep myself healthy and keep it healthy.

I'm not a sperm thief, I didn't do this just to keep a guy around.

He told me that if I went off the deep end, he would try to make it work, but wouldn't be opposed to leaving me. And I don't blame him.

I'm just scared.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Productivity Day!

I am having a super productive day.

I went home yesterday on a whim after all that drama with my dad. He apologized, and I hung out with my family, got all the graduation cards and stuff, and drove back to GR. So far today, I went to the bank, deposited all the checks, wrote all the thank you notes and sent them out (mail got picked up at 1pm, win!), called to get my new glasses tomorrow, and am about to throw in laundry.

Days like this are fun, because I'm busy with things that need to get done, but not overwhelming. Plus I'll have time later to just hang out with my BF and stuff.

Just trying to find the job situation, and only working one day a week is driving me nuts. But I got a sewing machine from my mother so I can start making baby blankets from the old t-shirts that I don't wear/can't fit anymore. :)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Work. Bah.

Dear work - since I can't work at my facility, can you please get on the ball with my transfer? I'd really like to keep working. I miss my facility, and as soon as possible, I will be back to work.


My abdomen still hurts. I'm kinda worried. But I'm not bleeding, so I'm thinking it might be round ligament pain. Damn uterus keeps growing. That silly baby, making me hurt. Dislike.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Overload 2

I made the best decision of my life yesterday. And by best I  mean worst. I worked third shift, then went shopping at babies r us with the Kecklers on three hours of sleep.

Too much baby stuff. And they were looking at those 'pack-n-play' things.

Baby cages. Those things are baby cages.

On top of a kid-leash? No. Not happening.

Leash and a cage - I should have gotten a freaking dog.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Baby Overload

I've been suffering what I like to call, baby overload. Basically it happens when I have to spend all day talking to medical professionals about how I feel, and then go home and talk about it with the BF and look at baby things. Too much baby stuff stresses me out.

I was hanging out with the BFs family and he told me to walk downstairs with him. Hanging out with the Clan isn't really hard, there is just one person there that is so incredibly mean and insulting I sometimes just walk out of the room to just ignore him. And then I get to listen to his mother tell him how inappropriate that was. My friends and I are all very insulting, but it's all fun and games. We make fun of each other, but at the end of the day, if something is wrong, we can talk about it.

That's why I miss 252 right now. Or whatever your new number is going to be.

Anyways, so I walk downstairs and the BF shows me a stroller, a car seat and a baby swing already sitting in the basement.

I couldn't handle that - on top of the dr appointment, the meetings with the dietitian and the nurse this week, and that I have my last shift at my program before being was just too much for me. I just needed a break from the pain in my abdomen, and the headaches and the hungry and the tired. I've got a lot going on.

In other news, I still hate my father because he's a two faced asshat. Tells me he doesn't want to be a grandfather and tells all his friends how excited he is, and how proud he is and bragging about it. So irritated with him right now.

I just wish I looked pregnant. Then I could actually complain and take those expecting mothers spots at the mall.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

I'm going to blog out my feelings.

My father and I don't have the best relationship. Basically his email to me a few hours ago can be summed up in his statement;

"I have never given the slightest thought to being a grandfather. I don’t particularly like the idea right now after thinking about it."

He doesn't like the idea after thinking about. It's been almost a month since I let him know that he was going to be a grandpa. Well, too bad, can't really be changed now. But if you don't want to have anything to do with your grandchild that's fine by me. I came home and told you because I thought you deserved to know - this is a big fucking deal for me. It's not marriage, it's not moving out, it's bringing another person into the world. It's a huge freaking challenge but its not my father's call to decide if I'm ready or not. 

Ugh. This makes me so angry. I know it may not be the best time in my life, but this is when it happened, and I've got until november to get my stuff together. I know this is going to be hard, I know this is going to be stressful, do you think my BF and I haven't been up late talking about things worrying? It's not like we are happy go lucky about the situation, we want this kid. We do make light of it, we do make plans and dream big, but we are going to be ready for this. 

Am I crazy to say I still hate my father?

Friday, June 3, 2011


I cannot describe the pain I am in to you all right now. It is awful, and right now I hate that damn thing inside me. My stomach is killing me, BM's are becoming a chore and I no longer have an iron bladder. I am just now realizing why pregnant women waddle - this hurts. It hurts to stand, it hurts to roll onto my stomach, it hurts to move positions.

To counter act this evil, I have decided that sitting on my but playing LoZ:TP will be the best course of action. Mostly because I want to beat it before the man friend does, and torture him with my endless knowledge. I dunno - I need to go grocery shopping, and I need to get some stuff done. Only two more third shifts and hopefully it will be transfer time. :)