Monday, August 29, 2011

Thinking Like a Mom versus Thinking Like A College Student

A few months ago, I made a comment about mom-powers with improving for food. One of my friends made the justification that perhaps it was more that I had't lost my college student powers rather than gaining mom powers.   Which I guess drives me a lot, especially today while everyone is heading back to classes, I'm at home. I don't want to be at home, I'd like to be at work, but I just can't.

But by Wednesday, I will have another job. Got another job offer from HN and had an interview on Friday. Soon I will be busy again, and I'm really looking forward to it. Mostly because then I won't feel as bad when the house is out of order. It comes down to the lazy factor, I know I should be keeping the apartment up to date, I should be running through laundry so it doesn't pile up - but I don't want to. And I'm a super procrastinator (again with the college powers).

Also I'm going to complain about sleeping. I don't feel rested when I wake up in the morning, and I need a nap at about five every night. Maybe that's just a college sort of schedule - or I do stay up weirdly late some nights. I don't like staying up later than midnight, but it happens when you get involved with the goddamn video games.

Another note - this whole pregnancy thing really makes me thing of all the different evolutionary things that keep humans alive. Apart from just the fight or flight, but the fact that babies are fucking adorable. There is that theory that babies are cute because they are defenseless and attractiveness keeps adults from a) eating them, b) leaving them behind because let's face it, for the first few year they are useless and slow. One would think to ensure the survival of our race that being pregnant would be awesome (no pain, lots of energy, etc), but it works in other ways. Hair and nails grow faster, face clears of acne, and there is that 'glow' that you get. I assume its for the same reason as babies being really cute - when you are pregnant, you are fat, slow, and weak. If you are pretty enough, your tribe won't leave you behind like the wounded gazelle you are.

I did feel super attractive this morning when the BF said I had long flowing curly hair. I've always had curly/wavy hair, and I haven't had a haircut since December. I think I look like a hippy - but maybe that's because bras are uncomfortable due to boob growage.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

End of an Awful Week

Last week sucked. When you are used to having someone around all the time, and then they are gone for five days, it just isn't fair. The BF went on a camping trip for work, with a bunch of consumers, and I hardly talked to him while he was gone. I missed him a lot, and it has been super hard to share him since he got back into town.

But it's back to baby planning stuff for me. Meeting with the nutritionist this week (I have been eating the worst stuff ever for me, and yeah, pretty sure I've gained some serious weight), doctor next week. My task right now is assembling god forsaken mailing addresses for all the invitees for the GR baby shower. It's a random facebook message, but it's what I'm working with at the moment. It's weird to think that in month it will be time to have a party, and the month after I will have a baby.

That's right folks, I'm in the 28th week, the last trimester. Bring it fucking on.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Rant

This is a rant directed at someone I used to be, and people that drive me a little off the wall.

I used to smoke, not weed, never done that, but cigarettes. I used to smoke a lot, I used to chain smoke. I used to smoke when I drank, light up when life was getting difficult, the works. Last November at Thanksgiving, I hadn't quite broken up with my girlfriend at the time, but Sean told me I had to stop. I knew it was bad for me, so I decided to stop. It's not hard to quit smoking, its hard to not start again. Whatever, I made the choice to not smoke anymore and yeah. Now I feel much better about myself.

Last night I went to the Electronic Music Night in downtown GR. It was a bunch of electronica, a huge mosh pit, weed in the air, booze snuck in, and my BF's biological father, oldest brother, father's lady and his meathead friend that I hate. I was excited to go out with the BF, but the company besides was not my cup of tea. The worst part of the night, was all four of them would light up cigarettes at the same time. So, I would take a step back to get away from the engulfing cloud of death. Without a second thought, they all took a step towards me. It was frustrating to say the least, and I just got annoyed with not being able to get away from these people by the end of the night. I don't enjoy their company, I won't ever them family, and they are degenerates in society in my opinion.

I'm not much better, but I have a job (for better or worse), I try to keep looking for more jobs (note another interview on Friday!), and have a college degree. I know there is all that 'ivory tower' bullshit with the insane amount of debt that comes from getting one goddamn piece of paper, but I did it. I put in the work-ish, and I did college. It's something I am proud. Of course I'm not my mother that got her masters before getting married and having a baby, but damn, people. I just can't make enough to pay rent, put gas in my car, and pay for food. I don't have the money for hospital trips and the endless doctor visits without help from the government. I've said it before - I pay taxes too, I pay off student loans, I don't have to be put up in a garage. I have talent and I haven't fucked up my life with crime/jail time or drugs.

I expect a lot from myself, I expect a lot from my friends. When they fail for some stupid reason (like getting drunk and drunk dialing their ex and getting all sorts of drama, which again used to be me too), I get angry. I'm angry, and I don't like to associate with people that don't do anything for themselves. I associate with people that are successful, that may have to live paycheck to paycheck, but not people that leech off of everyone in their lives. People that live off of food stamps, but manage to have money for cigarettes, drugs and booze. I miss drinking, I do. But I didn't go out every day and buy a pint/fifth of liquor, I didn't go out to the bar and drop fifty or more dollars on drinks. I had a drinking problem, and you know what, I have to work at it (being pregnant helps, I'll be honest). Really? Really people?

I refuse to be that person anymore. I'm an adult, I'm going to be a parent. And I'm not going to deal with these people and have these people in my child's life. Not acceptable.

EDIT: I'd like to thank my parents for how they raised me. I know most of the time I hate them and am angry at them, but they are my parents and I wouldn't change a thing about how I was raised.

I'd just like to extend a huge thank you to Frank and Kat for raising Sean, for taking him and his brothers and helping him become the man he is today. I am aware of all the nature versus nurture debates, but I think they have done just a fantastic job parenting and am so happy that I can now have Sean and them in my life.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Things I Did Today

After yesterday, I figured a more work safe and brain safe for this post. This is super image heavy, geek friendly, and just looking at one picture will give you diabetes.

Today I had a brainwave. I decided that so far we don't have exactly a baby room yet, so I decided to start sectioning off the apartment. With a couch it would be better to help, so I can move the table and get it all together. Well, right now I have a corner where my desk is, and my sewing table, and it looks like my mother's office. And there is a section of the wall where all the baby stuff will end up, which I decided needed a sign to denote who it belonged to. It started with just a piece of lined paper before I drew this up.


With an internet browser open to the logo, a pencil, pen and a perminiant marker, this appeared. I am kind of proud since I don't think of myself as an artist in the slightest. Then I started having issues with printing it out, and scanning it. So I sent a black and white copy to my cousin, who is amazing with digital artwork, and I did an awful scan job and attacked it with crayons.


Now it's hanging on the wall in the general area of where her 'room' will be.

That leads me to my first adventure for today. Reddit.com has had an upsurge of 'Nutella Empanadas.' I decided to give it a shot, and added my own twist. It's basically a pastry puff filled with nutella, marshmallows and banana. Fold it into triangles, crimp the edges, bake for 22 minutes at 350. Don't forget to brush it with eggwash, and sprinkle with sugar. After baking, pull it out, cool 5 minutes, and sprinkle with powdered sugar.


It tasted ok, just had to go from alternating bites of banana and nutella. I figured the next time I try, I'm going to mix it together, and then use it as a filling. But yeah, that's been my day so far. I'm really kind of happy with how today has gone.

I also feel a little accomplished, since all I've done in the past few weeks is apply for jobs, play Obilvion, and go to interviews. 



Friday, August 19, 2011

Boobs

As the title of this blog suggests, I am going to be talking about my breasts. If you don't wan to hear about it, close the window. This will be graphic, it will be gross, it will not be fun. It might be entertaining, but if you don't want the intimate details of my boobage/sex life, you can just pass this one by.

Let's start with the pre-pregnancy Kal's boobs rundown. I knock out about a 38 D, I have some extra holes, and I like having them played with. My left side is a little bigger than the right, but never anything too much or anything. I wear two bras when I exercise because that kind of movement causes the giggily giggly and it's painful. I like by breasts, I think they are mildly attractive, but I usually wear t-shirts and cover them up, tuck 'em in, the works.

Since being pregnant, the sensitivity is up to the max, but I still like it. I can't complain too much, but the left breast has swelled to almost double the size of the other one. Ok, maybe not double, but regular bras are totally out for extended periods of time. So I'm in this sports bra thing, kind of saggy, and the left side is way bigger than normal.

Now comes the really gross part. Last night, I'm climbing into bed with the BF and I roll over. The next thing that happened was I was cold and wet. Confused and I started searching my shirt for why I was cold and wet, freaking out. There was a wet spot, a small circle of yuck. The BF suggested that maybe I had started lactating. So I squeezed my fun bags and stuff came out. A little clear bead of stuff, but still. Gross-tastic.

Of course I'm like, uhhhhh, this sucks. And the BF was just like - "hey, let me see."

TL;DR My boobs leak. Fan-freaking-tastic.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Fat vs Pregnant and Parenting Techniques

Many of my friends want to see what I look like pregnant. They keep asking me for pictures and wondering how big the bump is. It's still the strangest thing, at twenty-five weeks, I am still not looking that pregnant. In fact, I feel like I just look like I'm fat. It doesn't look like a baby bump, it looks like I've been chowing down on everything I can get my hands on. Which is the truth, my cousin is up for the week, and she asked "when do you want to have dinner?"

I don't care when dinner is, I'm always hungry. It doesn't matter, when dinner time happens, I promise I will be hungry for it.

I have some strange ass swelling still, one ankle is doing strangeness, while my body is just bloated. Everything is still uncomfortable and there is no way to sleep comfortably. I don't feel pregnant, I feel fat and unattractive. Not like I'm trying to get anything (I'm still with the BF, and lets face it, if he didn't think I was attractive I wouldn't be here writing this), but seriously. It's gross, the farting, the throwing up, the endlessly tippy waddling walking. Let's face it, in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, I'd be left behind. Waddle, waddle, NOM. But having the shotgun under the bed is kind of reassuring.

I am tempted to post up a picture of the belly - but it's gross and I look like a zebra. A zebra, all the stretch marks are just destroying my skin. I'm going to wait on the baby bump though, and yes I have had some people touch it. No strangers so far, because I will break someone's face.

Updating from the tablet with the keyboard. It is so small, I feel like my hands aren't the right size anymore.

But my cousin is up for the week, and having my BFF around is nice. It's a back to vacation life, sitting around playing music, reading comic books, and watching really silly TV shows. She brought me some super cute baby clothes with spaceships and one that said 'first mate' with a pirate thing going on. It was really happy, plus she brought the original version of the Star Wars trilogy. I'm talking the original theatrical releases. None of that silly 'special edition' stuff - Han shot first, the graphics are awful, and no Hayden Christensen. Its on VHS, but luckily the BF hadn't gotten rid of his old VCR.

Which brings up something that I do have to think about when raising my child - do I introduce her to the movies in order in which they came out - or the 'chronological order.' So far, I think the way I was introduced to them would be the best, especially with the Darth Vader as Luke's father twist. I'm sure in the 1970s everyone shat themselves when they heard that, and I want that for my child too. Just like KotOR with the main character twist, the ending of Final Fantasy - I want these shock moments to be just as shocking for my child as they were for me. I don't want her knowing who died in which book of Harry Potter, I want her to read Jane Eyre and not know that Rochester is already married to a crazy.

Maybe I'm just weird, but...these are classics. From video games to movies, to books, I want my baby to understand that these are not mainstream, they are revolutionary.

And I fucking hate Jar Jar Binks. I will not expose her to the Star Wars prequels if I can help it.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Thunderstorms and Presents

My mother and sister came to visit me today. It has been nice, they brought me a sewing table (so I can get my creative on and make a blanket or two), and my graduation present. It turned out to b a Acer Iconia Tab W500.  It runs windows 7 home premium, but it will make a nice addition to hiding in my bag and taking to work with me while I do nothing all day.

But, we had some pretty amazing thunderstorms last night, and lost power and everything. The lightning was striking, the thunder was booming, and guess who woke up. Oh, not me of course, but baby. BOOM! *kick kick kick kick* BOOM! *kick kick kick kick*

It was insane. She moves at the weirdest points, loud music, when I try to sleep, and loud noises. Or an xbox controller shake...because Oblivion has totally taken my life over. But now that the baby is kicking pretty normally, the best part is I keep throwing up in my mouth!

That kind of sucks, along with the random sneezes that may or may not cause me to pee myself a little. Little things, just little things that you take for granted when you don't have an extra person growing inside you. She drives me a little nutzo, and sometimes I feel like I can't take it.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Fall Job Acquired

I have acquired a second job for the fall. It's a skating job, something I'd never thought I'd do for a career move in my life. It's a three times a week, seven week session job, and it starts in September. Which give me time to find another job (hopefully with Hope), and schedule I my life in order so I have something to do each day and make some extra money.

Today I went to go have my interview/practice class. It was tough because I haven't taught little little kids skating in a while. And there was only one kid at class today. Not bad, and I was told that I am very technical and very thorough in my teaching. I told them I would be better for an adult class, and hopefully that will pan out in the future.

But yeah, the search for an extra job continues - along with my one day a week at HN. :)

Friday, August 5, 2011

Present to Myself - Early Present for Baby

I didn't realize what a huge change I was making in my life when I got pregnant. It has really hit me today. I went out and bought a piano. Mostly because my BF called me while at the 'RE-store'. It's like Goodwill, but a step up, and it helps support Habitat for Humanity over in GR. He called me this morning and said, 'hey, there are two pianos here. One is thirty bucks, the other eighty.' I asked if any keys were broken, and he didn't quite give me all the answers I was looking for. But, I threw on a bra and ran out the door. The cheaper piano was jank, about 1 out of every 3 keys was broken, and it just didn't sound good.

The other piano was eighty dollars, but I sat down at it, and played whatever I could think of at the time. It sounded good, and I called my mother to do some research. It is a Busch and Lane, a piano company based in Chicago that moved to Holland during the 1920s. The company went out of business in 1931, which means this instrument is at least 80 years old. My thought was, if it plays this well for being this old, someone took care of it. There are some cosmetic damages to the keys, but nothing that I can't start investing in. And there are two keys that don't work, both black in the lower register, and they are missing the hammers to strike the strings.


This makes me feel so mature. I know that my child is going to grow up with two parents that are low-income. I'm afraid I won't be able to give her everything that I had, in fact, I know I won't be able to. But now, I can give her this. I can give her access to a piano, I can teach her, and she will be able to grow up with a home with music.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Today Is My Birthday

That's right, I'm the big twenty-two now. It feels exactly like twenty-one, only I can't drink because I'm supporting a parasite in my abdomen.

So far, two really strange things have happened to me. First, I was having lunch with what I call 'the girl club' at work. Its a combination of the director, the office manager, the nurse, a case worker, and a behavior specialist. All female, all borderline mind numbing. But it means that during lunch (just like the rest of my shift) I can let my mind wander and deflect questions with a little to no tact. A case and point with this was earlier:

"How's the baby?"
"Fifteen percent survival rate if I have to deliver right now."
"What, that's depressing."
"Better than zero."

And onward to the really weird part. They were talking about this infamous picture, and the behavior specialist whips out her phone and shows me. There was my coworker, and next to her was my nemesis' close friend Jordan. Now, one thing I have to say about Jordan - he had a really nice car that I got the opportunity to drive the first and only time I've ever been to the bar with him. I'd almost trade assorted sexual favors for the opportunity again, but at the same time, nope.

Shocked I blurt out his name, the two girls look at each other and are just stunned. My world has become much smaller than I ever wanted it to be.

The second really weird thing that happened was as I was leaving work today. I took a gander in my mailbox and saw a butterfinger and an envelope. I hadn't mentioned to anyone that it was my birthday, so I took the candy (devoured by the way...me gusta) and envelope and went to my car. Eager, I opened it, and pulled out a 'thank-you' note. Not a typical way to say, 'happy birthday' but maybe they ran out of cards. Inside it said only this -

"Thank you for all that you do"

No signature, no from, no to, no date, no anything but one line. HOW CREEPY IS THAT?!

By the by, I'm not a huge birthday person anymore. I had those huge class parties in elementary school, I used to invite everyone on my friends list over to my house during high school just to see who would come out. Since I was born in the summer, it gives me a chance to see people that normally couldn't come in the school year - like my cousin. Last year I was at camp for my birthday, and today no one knew it was my birthday.

And I like it that way. I like just having time to myself and just doing what I want to. It's nice to relax rather than try to plan anything anyway. I made ghetto pasta-bake for dinner tonight, kind of like my impromptu pizza last night. Used all ingredients that I had laying around the house and just went for it. Whatever, the leftover pizza was pretty good for lunch today. My college improvisation skills have melded with my mom-to-be skills, and it turns out pretty good. I wonder what sorts of other creations are in the future. Maybe once I get that silly sewing table I can start baby-blanketing it up.

Twenty-two years old, the boyfriend is twenty-three years, and we have a twenty-four week old fetus. Doesn't get much better than that. :)

Monday, August 1, 2011

Exercising

It's the big e word, exercise. Doing exercise while pregnant is difficult, at least for me. I was an active person before I got pregnant, and during my first trimester I was trying to graduate, getting into summer mode, looking for a job - exercise fell by the wayside.

So my intention was to walk, keep up with that sort of things. Didn't exactly go as planned...so I decided to kick it up a notch today. I went ice skating. Before you all decide to freak out and go "YOU CAN'T DO THAT PREGNANT" - FO. I've been skating for longer than some of my friends have been alive, I know my limits. That being said, today hurt. All of my muscles that have been protesting normally for baby stuff were worked to the limit today. Walking is not going as planned, I feel drained and awful.

But I did it - I skated for forty five minutes today. And I'm going to go swimming later. The swimming hasn't been hard, and I've gone almost every day for almost a week. Which has been nice as a change.

But overall, I hate the fact that moving hurts.