Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Random Thought

Week Thirty-Two:

The baby is almost four pounds and most likely about nineteen inches. It squirms, my stomach ripples with the movement, and there is no way to sleep comfortably. My hips and shoulders ache from laying on them, my hands are always numb when I wake up. And I might be having Braxton Hicks contractions - but I don't know what they feel like so I have NO FUCKING CLUE.

This hit me last night when the BF and I were at Meijer. We got stopped in the baby section because of fuzzy hoodies that had ears and a bear face on the hood. I know, me, stopping for baby stuff? So we are looking at all the different bears things when the BF picks up a white/cream one.

"Look," he said, "We can dress her up as a polar bear."

"Yeah," I replied, "And if she has your coloring, she can be like a real one."

Herp derp a derrrrrrrr.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Birthing Classes Rage

I am very angry about the state of birthing classes. Mostly because I was supposed to start them three weeks ago, but the hospital I was going to deliver at called me. My partner and I were the only people that signed up for the class, so they cancelled them on us. Then they proceeded to tell me that my insurance wasn't accepted at that hospital. First I couldn't deliver at the first hospital (where I had my ultra sound), because my doctor didn't have privileged anymore, so I changed to the hospital across the street.

Now I had to change to a completely different hospital (good thing I live in a big city right?), in downtown GR. But it gets better, I signed up for the birthing classes and got the paper work in the mail. Highlighted and underlined was "medicaid clients please bring your doctor's permission slip with you to class." Doctor's permission slip? Excuse me, but when did I get tossed back into high school and needed permission to have education about my child. I'm having a baby, I am an adult, I have (four part-time, but still) a job, I pay for my own things, I live my life independently - why the fuck do I need a permission slip? Oh, I'm sorry, I made adult choices but I don't need a permission slip to get something that I need.

I need childbirth classes, I need to be informed, I can't do this on my own, and I shouldn't have to jump through hoops to do this. I have enough on my plate - fuck these cancelled classes, fuck these permission slips, fuck hospitals that won't accept insurance.

Say what you will - I shouldn't have had unprotected sex with someone I had only known for four months. I should have been more careful.

But seriously - what about teenagers that make bad decisions. I know to push until I get what I need for my child and me. I since I can't manage to work enough to support myself to get some sort of government support. I enroll with my community to get support through a nurse, dietitian, WIC, food stamps, medicaid, and remembering to sign up for breastfeeding classes and the like. I have the knowledge to get all this in order, I had to do all of this on my own. A teenager with other things on her plate - how is she supposed to get exposed and get all the help she needs? Why is our society so supportive of pregnancy for certain social groups of people? If there are to be healthy children, the health care for pregnant women needs to be more accessible.

I'm not the typical pregnant lady. I have no nesting instincts, I haven't bought maternity clothes, and I still just look like a fucking fat ass. Back to UFC trainer. I'll just punch out my anger.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Exercising Part 2

I feel so fat and lazy. Mostly because I was in bed from last week Thursday to yesterday with a cold. No drugs, just some tylenol to make things not hurt quite as much. But I drowned it in juice, tea and water, and burned it with the steam from my deadly shower.

And set off the fire alarm twice with the steam. That was fun.

But since I'm feeling back to better, I figured it was time to get a little bit of exercise into my daily routine. In spite of the four jobs, I only work one-three days a week. That's what lead me to the UFC trainer for the kinect. I am not a fighter, traditionally, but I figured that arm workout would be acceptable to try in this stage of my pregnancy.

And baby hasn't been moving as much the past couple days, which is freaking me out. Doctor on Thursday, so things will get checked out.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Parenting Things

30 Weeks(ish)
Baby is almost three pounds, movement is every day, flatulent, constipated, and can't sleep at night. It's fantastic. Don't have sex, you will get pregnant and die. When it comes to pregnancy stuff, the kicking is kinda cool, but at the same time a little distressing. Especially because as soon as I notice there hasn't been a lot of movement, I start freaking out. Then of course she starts kickapalooza all over the fucking place so then I'm just pissed off again. Or getting a side-cramp, and then having her kick me in the same place as that. Not fun.

And Braxton Hicks can just go fuck himself. These fake out contractions are not comfortable.

In light of the 9/11 tragedy, I thought it was a good time to post up another blog about parenting issues.

For instance, I started to work at a day care (in addition to Hope Network, teaching skating twice a week, and starting a care giving position), and I noticed something really strange. The kids I was taking care of played a game I had never heard of, a game called 'nine-eleven.' It is just as crazy as it sounds, kids play make believe. One is bin Laden, one is a marine, and one was jumping out a window as 'the plane crashed into the building.' I kid you effing not, these kids were running around, yelling at the top of their lungs 'I'm Osama bin Laden, and I'm going to Afghanistan to get more planes!'

Did kids in the 1950s play Holocaust? Because that was about ten years in the past for them. Most of these kids weren't even alive when 9/11 happened. Its so strange to think about a child that thinks that 9/11 can be a game to deal with the intense tragedy that it was for the American people. Its just weird.

How am I supposed to explain these things to my child? How am I supposed to explain the black plague, the gladiators, the genocides still going on today? This is too much work. How do I give her the knowledge she needs to be an informed member of society without destroying her psyche?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Playing the Positive Game

A holiday weekend is the perfect time to update my life with a blog. I got to get a chance for some 'real camping' this weekend with the BF's family. It wasn't so bad, slept on an air mattress in the back of a van, walked all over Mackinaw City - and hurt like a bitch afterwards. The four hour drive one-way wasn't so great though, but I got to talk with the BF for the first time in what feel like a long time.

It started with me realizing that I can't be a mother without him, and realizing that he could be a father without me. Which lead me to think that maybe I am obsolete once I have this baby. It was hard watching him have fun with his family - and I'm just not on the same page as they are. I don't do crowds, and I am blunt. I treat people like adults, and I treat people professionally. I don't do family, but right now I am going to have to. On the way home, we talked almost the whole time. I cried mostly, just too angry and hurt and thought that I was not going to be able to have a family of my own.

Everyone always says it changes when it's your own kid. I'm child-phobic, I'm family-retardant, and I can't do this alone. I want to grow old with my partner, I want to raise this kid, and retire and move to Florida with him. But our priority is our child, not just our relationship. Whatever is best for her, no matter what it may cost us. It's hard when you love two people at the same time.

He even said 'I love you' to our child first, before me. And I can't blame him - I'm kind of a fuckup.

It has been nice to just kick back with him. We sat around yesterday and watched Tangled, and then he took me out to dinner at a Chinese buffet place near the new apartment. Then we went out to the bar with a few of his friends. I was really happy last night, having fun, and being with my guy.

And today, I got locked out of my apartment. Not because the BF took keys, but because the lock goes to the outside. So I got to sit outside and blargh.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Week Two of Suck

Got two emails that said no to employment opportunities. It was really frustrating, and then I had to deal with one of Sean's toxic friends. For me - there is a different between helping a friend that is down, and a 'friend' that chronically leeches off of every one and doesn't have any social decency.

Well, as the uppers have decreed, I have another reason to hate him. Which has thrown me into an intellectual mindfuck. It started when the friend (let's call him Douchwaffle) sent my man friend, a picture of a woman's genitalia with the caption 'all night long.' This got me to wondering - how many women send pictures of their vagina to their fuck buddies/sexual partners/soon-to-be partners?
That's not the point, I think she has poor judgement in people for sending the picture in the first place. I trust my partner that if I were to send a picture of my nether regions or voluminous breasts, that he would have the decency to save it for himself and not text it to his friends. And that's where I have this moral/intellectual mindfuck.
Yes, I think she made the wrong decision - but if she is an exhibitionist, that's her deal. Something tells me that the pussy picture was not shared with consent, and that's why I am so angry with Douchwaffle. Think of the girl attached to the pussy you arrogant asshole! If her face and vagina are connected somewhere in the internet, and you have spread her picture around, you are responsible for when she does not get hired for a job because some employer is a super sleuth.
Where does responsibility lie? Is it with the girl that snapped the picture, or is it to her boyfriend that sent it to his friends? Or is it with the friend that sent it to his buddy and uploaded it to the internet?
If it were me - and this is a totally biased opinion, if I got a scandalous message, it would be kept private. If someone sent me a picture of someone else's vag/penis/genitalia, I would text them back and ask if they realize they could be spreading this without consent.
So Douchwaffle - thank you for giving me another reason never to introduce you to my friends. Because you are an asshole that has no morals and does nothing but knock up women. Take some responsibility for your actions and quit leeching off my partner!
On top of all this, the stress just drives me a little bonkers and kicks my fight or flight into high gear. That means my body begins to shut down, and I can't eat, my heart rate is high, pupils dilated, and I'm pissed off. Over all, not the best way to be when pregnant. When the digestive system stops, so does all the things that need to get to baby. 
But now after the debacle with the job stuff, a ray of sunshine finally came through. I have two more interviews next week, and all I need to do is get my certificates from Hope Network. Then I can get another job that I interviewed for today. Hopefully things will start working out a little bit better. And I won't be so worried about money things.
Close to real job, close to not having to worry all the time. Just need to catch a break. 

Thursday, September 1, 2011


1. I find it hard to get to sleep.
2. I find it hard to stay asleep.
3. When I get up to pee in the morning, of course that rattles a fetus and she decides that 630a is a good time to start kicking.
4. I'm going to get you back for this in fifteen years when you want a boyfriend.
5. I'm going to play Oblivion. GTFO