Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Birthday Present

I know it isn't customary to get a child a birthday present until she's been alive a year, but I just couldn't resist. This is the same book my dad read to me growing up, and now I have my own copy.

Happy belated birthday, my little raptor.

Sleep 1

No sleep for the weary.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Starting a New Life

I have been told that my posts from my phone are unreadable, and unintelligible. My sincere apologies.

Therefore, it it back to the computer for me, and into the wrap for Zelda. Mostly because I think she actually likes it, and two, I get to have her and feel like a native in the fields with a baby wrapped around me. It's kind of cool, just a big cloth that I wrap around my body, leaving pockets for baby, and she gets to be kinda swaddled/rocked/soothed by me, and it's all hands free. Really convenient.

I have discovered just how much work a newborn is. The crying, the feeding, the pooping, the peeing, trying to keep involved and engage and at the same time not drive myself crazy has taken a serious toll on me. I feel like there is nothing left to give at the end of the day, that I have spent myself caring for this one person, I have no energy to shower, cook, clean, or even sleep.

And we had our first parent fight last night. I asked the BF to take Z for a change since I just fed her. He nodded and kept playing Skyrim. As her screams escalated, I got up and started to change her. He realized that was wrong and put down his game immediately  to try and take over. At that point, I was too angry to let him help and just finished that round by myself. I didn't let him hold her, and I just curled up in my rocker recliner when she fell asleep to try and start out the night sleeping as well. Of course, I was too pissed off to fall asleep, so I ended up sending him texts as he was in the bathroom asking if we could talk. He said that he had zoned while playing and assumed I would pass her, and I assumed that he would turn off the game to take her from me. Assuming makes an ass  of you and Sean.

Gave Z a bath last night too. She didn't like it at all. But the umbilical cord fell out, and it was time for her to get clean. Also took her to the store for the first time tonight - she hated that too. Guess she's just a home-body at the moment. And I'm not going to complain about it. I like chillin at home and doing pretty much nothing but Skyrim and feeding.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Sleepy Time

I enjoy the fact she looks like a normal sized person when she sleeps.

I never thought babies were cute before I had one.

Happy one week, Zelda.

You Are What You Eat - And What You Eat Ducks Up Your Life

As I struggle with new parenthood, I have a few observations. Post partem Kal sucks to be around. I thought I was frustrating before with the placenta, but I had no idea. I burst into tears for no reason, get irrationally angry, and can't manage to let anyone else touch my kid.

The past few nights have been tough, especially with the family stuff and having my parents come to GR. My dad cooked us dinner, and it went pretty smoothly until my sister started to feel left out. Shecaused a scene, and when I asked them to take thro fighting outside so I could calm down and feed Z, they flat out out ignored me.

So Z and I packed up and hid in the bedroom. Sean nearly yelled at my parents for making me upset. But more drama avoided.

My dad finally met her. I think that bucket of crazy is over.

Went to Sean's parents house later in the evening. At first that was stressful - all the kids want to tell my BF about what new level in Skyrim they are, what new armor they found, and don't have good volume contol. But as soon as Grandma and grandbaby were united everything calmed down. I burst into tears because of the stress, but I also got to talk to Grandma about baby stuff, my own issues. She asked me if I was going to start pumping breast milk pretty hesitantly. I am, I just didn't want to start too early and have my body go - "hold up, this feels like two babies, MAKE ALL MILK!"

And when I say you are what you eat, I had cheesecake and cherry pie....and now I have a fussy baby that hasn't had that much sufar by proxy.

More triptophan, less sugar tomorrow. Damn holidays that keep you fat.

Edit: Thank you smartphone for cleaning up my language.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Drama Llama

Alright, you caught me. The hospital wasn't drama free. We actually had some family issues, that really could have totally been avoided if communication was a little more open.

p, my mom and sister drove from Midland to hang out in the hospital with us. I didn't want to have bunches of people in and out the entire time, so I wanted to limit visitors to 2 outside Manda and Sean. Which was ok by me when his family stopped by, but then paraded though all awkward like.

Which led to this messafe from his mother that to me said - "Sorry for intruding on your new family, but Kal hates us and we don't like her either." It didn't say that exactly, but that was my interpretation.

We avoided the subject until my BF's friend finally went over to ask why she was so angry. She was upset that the kids didn't get to hold Zelda in the hospital and that my family didn't leave to go e them time. Which irritated me, because my family would have taken an hour to leave if she had said something/made a plan.

But, I invited them over after getting home, and only one uncle hasn't seen Zelda. Maybe I'm just too prickly, according to my mother. I feel like all I do is try to blend with the family. Yes, I have trouble with what my role is with the hoard of children. I'm not their peers, I'm not their friends (ish, there are two I would consider friends), and they aren't my siblings. I don't know how to act, so, I'm prickly and guarded.

There is just one thing that just kills me. One of Sean's brothers has this 'total catch' of a girlfriend. She does the same activities as his sister, she's friends with all the kids and (I'm a total bitch to say this but) perfect high school horse girl. I don't know her well, but I constantly feel inferrior to her.

I'm a catch. I play three instruments, speak/sign three languages, hold down three jobs, (what the help is wrong with me, AR about the number 3 much?), have a college degree, can produce viable (and cute) offspring, and endure the pain of childbirth without medication. I think I deserve some credit. I'm no tiffany, but I am by no means Emily.

Now that its been settled, I can go back to trying to be as me as possible around them.

In other more baby related news, newborns are difficult, and my emotions are the craziest things ever. Our first night home was awful. Z was up for three hours straight, and I was alternating breasts for feeding every half hour. She didn't calm down, and at about 3a I just lost it. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and held her close and just apologized that I couldn't fix it and how sorry I was she was so upset.

And of course, at that moment Z burps and quiets down for a second. I looks into her eyes, and gave her another boon. We made it, and I got to nap all yesterday with her on my lap. Feed, sleep, feed, sleep. I love my rocker recliner. Let bout wasn't too bad until 6a. Mostly because she had been feeding every hour, and I just couldnt fall asleep fast enough to catch up. But I got in a showe and this morning we are off to the doctor for her first visit!


I love my daughter. She has Daddy's ears, but my dimples.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Holy Shit - Is This Happening? (Zelda's Birth Story)

Warning: This blog will be a) not family friendly, b) uncut, raw, and not suitable for young readers, c) image heavy, d) a combination of posts that I wrote in the hospital, but didn't get posted in the order I wanted.

18 November 2011
Admitted to.the hospital. Having a baby.

I'll start from where the last blog left off. It was about 2am, I hadn't been admitted to the hospital, and I was having back pain every five minutes for a minute every hour since 9pm the previous night. It wasn't really frustrating to have to go back home, mostly because I didn't feel like it was time yet. It just didn't hurt quite enough to think it was actual labor. On the way home, we got candy and some sleep stuff and I managed to finally get to sleep for about four hours.

Six am on Friday I woke up having contractions. I didn't time them at first, and waited to see if they would just go away. After about an hour, I was still having them and I started to time them and decided to play some Skyrim. It wasn't too bad, bouncing on my exercise ball, playing my video game. I wasn't hungry at all, and only had to pause when a really powerful contraction happened. But wait, I forget some of my readers have no idea what this feels like. For me it was pain like a lower back ache that got worse and worse until it reached around to my front to feel like a menstrual cramp. This was all over a minute, so it was fast and hard pain, but subsided pretty quickly so I could get back to whatever I was doing.

At 11am, I had my regularly scheduled 39 week appointment with my doctor. He was the one they had called while I was in the hospital earlier, and he decided to check out my cervix to see what was happening. He said I was 3cm dilated, and he couldn't rupture my membranes because the baby was too low in my pelvis. Now - quick tutorial, rupturing membranes is when the dr 'aggressively' examines the cervix in hope to break the bag of amniotic fluid around the baby, which would send me straight to the hospital. But it was a no go, and he said to go home, see if the contractions get stronger, and go to the hospital in a few hours because I would most likely have a baby that evening.

So we get home, and I finally get something to eat. It was just a baked potato, cottage cheese water and it was back to Skyrim for me. I got a call from my cousin that she was on her way, and I basically stayed at home until 4:30p when she arrived. As the day went on, I tried to do all the different labor positions to get some comfort, but eventually ended up in the tub with some warm water that did the trick for a little while. When Manda was there, we headed off to the hospital.

6cm dilated - only pregnant picture. Oops.

I realized I never got a picture of myself pregnant. I never really changed size all that much, and as I write this, I am already in my pre-pregnancy clothes. Either I carried her weird, my body is made to hide a baby, or combination of all that and already being a chunky-monkey to start. 

When they admitted me, I was almost 6cm dilated, still contracting and just hanging out. The entire time, my cousin and BF were just cracking me up with Star Wars jokes, singing ridiculous things, and just keeping me laughing. It was fantastic just walking around and having the nurses just give us the weirdest looks. Once I got in, we got up to a delivery room, got my vitals, and I decided that I was in enough pain to warrant jumping in the jacuzzi tub. Which was fantastic. Hot water, jets, it was maybe 6:30p by the time I jumped in, and was given until 7p to just hang out. When it was time to get out, that's when it hit me. I felt like I had to BM, the largest BM that could ever happen to a person. With every contraction, I took a quick pee, tried to pass this invisible BM, and realized that I couldn't take the pain anymore. I called the nurse and asked for an epidural. Enough with this natural child birth shit for me, done. 

Done, done, done, done.  

This is the weird part. I get really hazy on the details, but I remember squatting on the toilet with my arms around my BF's waist just sobbing. It hurt so much, and I just tried not to scream. I remember saying "I can't do this." Then I remember just holding onto a hand, laying on my side in the hospital bed. The nurse kept telling me that if I feel the urge to push, to just go with it, because it makes it better than holding it in. The doctor came in, my back hurt, everything was hazy and he says, "So you want the epidural - what is she at?"

The nurse says, "100% effaced, 10cm and +2."

Now what that means is - I don't have a cervix basically, it is thinned to the point where it does nothing. It is 10cm open, which is as big as you can get. Now the +2 is where the baby is inside. The pelvic bone is 0, anything inside is negative, anything outside is positive. 

"Do you want to wait for the epidural?" my doctor asked me. 

"Which will be faster, the epidural or just delivering?"



It didn't seem like any time at all, and he jumped up and got into scrubs and pulled on his gloves. He told me that with the next contraction to pull my knees up to my chest and to push as hard as I could. Two pushes, had a screaming baby on my chest. I see the white cord and Sean comes over to cut it with a 'your welcome.' What a dork. 

Zelda Skye Keckler - 6lbs 13oz, 18.5in
7:41p 18 November 2011
Everything gets much clearer then. I had my baby near me, she was wailing, and I just looked into her eyes. It was the most amazing thing ever. They pulled down my hospital gown, and put her right on my skin. When the clarity happened, everything was just awful. My doctor was pushing on my stomach, and I could just see wave and wave of blood. My stomach hurt, but I didn't feel the contractions for delivering the placenta. The he starts to try and sew me back up. This was one of the worst parts of the delivery - having to sit still, getting poked with needles, and watching this long string and sutures being put into me. I had to just relax, but it hurt so much more. I think it was the endorphin/hazy feeling I had that were immediately gone. If you want the real details, ask Sean, he watched the entire thing happen. 

Finally they gave her the shots, and I breastfed her while we watched Prince Caspian. The first scene in that movie is a birth scene, which watched just shaking my head. "It wasn't anything like that," my cousin said to me, "You were much better than that." I have a feeling that Sean put in a "She's a puss,"

Aunt Amanda and Zelda! That hat is way too big, but still cute.

Daddy and Zelda together at the same time. 
This is when I got to experience the hospital. I had to waddle to the bathroom and try to shower. That was awful. I was bleeding uncontrollably, everything was stained red, and I forgot shampoo. I didn't take a full shower, but I washed up really hardcore, got my face, and everything down below that I could. That's when I discovered the most amazing thing in the world. They have these pads to soak up the blood, but you break and shake them like a cold pack. Cold pack pads, best thing after passing a melon through your vagina. I hit those up so hard while there.

Zelda and Mommy, we were pretty tired.
The hospital stay was really uneventful. Family came and went,  my sister and mom were there. Manda was there. Sean and I stayed up most of the first night, just hiding the high of new parenthood. Tried to feed every two hours, she was checked almost constantly, I was checked. Gross hospital food, the works. I was having some feeding issues, but I got a lactation consultant to work with me and Zelda.

And they called her 'jaundiced.' Must get it from Daddy. :P
They have these wrist bands for security, mine said 'kisses' and hers said 'hugs' and every time they got together they would play the first few notes of Brahms Lullaby. But I never had her out of my sight, no matter how many times the nurses came in to 'just take her to the nursery to check something.' Nope. I got my ass out of bed and followed. Not because I don't trust them, but because I'm psycho crazy mom. And every time they brought her in there, she cried and I just wanted to bust in and take her back.
Welcome to the world, Zelda.

Sunday morning we got all ready and headed out at about noon. Got home, and have just been not sleeping. Sean's family have been over twice in different amounts. Each time they bring a different combination of kids. It's been nice to see them a little, but I definitely enjoy just taking  nap with my baby girl.
Finally home!
20 Nov 2011
Now that I'm done being pregnant, seems I need to change up my paragraph up top. Might continue blogging about parenting and mommy stuff.

All in all. Welcome home, Zelda Skye. I've loved you already for so long, now I can finally share you.

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Actual Countdown

3cm dialated
Contractions 5 min apart
90% cervix effaced

Go team go. I'm off to bounce on my exercise ball and play skyrim until this baby happens. Yeah buddy!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

False Alarm

At about 9pm last night, I started having contractions. They were in my lower back, and were happening about five minutes apart. So, I call the hospital, my mom, and then my doctor. They said wait an hour or so, if it continues, then go into the ER.

They didn't stop, so at about 11:15p, we head on in. I get into a gown, they hook me up to the monitor and check my cervix. 2cm dialated, baby's heartbeat is good, still no change in contraction.

Fast forward to 1a, check my cervix again and no changed. Doctor says to go home, and here I am. At home. Still contracting every five minutes and miserable.

How the fuck am I supposed to sleep?

Edit: I have acquired some doctor approved generic brand unisol sleep aid, and a king size kit-Kat bar. Hopefully I'll sleep.

Fat and miserable

I am miserable. Woke up this morning with the tightness in my throat that says, guess what, in two days you are going to be laid up sick with a cold.

Add that to the labor set up my body is doing, and there is a recipe for disaster. Since the plug passed, I've had this awful muscus drainage which means one thing - cervix is open for business. My back hurts, I can't sleep for longer than a three hour period before waking up.

I just want to lay in bed all day.

But I need to pack my hospital bag, get a picture of myself pregnant, and install the car seat base in the bf's car. Mostly because I've been procrastinating. And go shopping for a nursing bra. Might just hit up the local target, just something for right now.

Other than that, so ready to be done with pregnancy.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Final Countdown

Doo di doo, doo. Doo di doo di doo. Doo di doo, doo. Doo di doo doo di doo.

Ok, I'm not fantastic at the singing, but hopefully I primed your brain so that sounded right.

No worries, I am not in labor right now. Though I think posting a blog mid push would be way too entertaining. Nope, I just loss the cervical mucus plug, the barrier between my baby and he harmful bacteria of the outside world. Amneotic fluid is still entact, baby is still moving. But its coming down to the last of the last.

I'm feeling super nervous, mostly because skyrim just came out, and I want to go play it while I have time. But eight in the morning seems a little too hardcore to I'm trying to hold out.

Manda is coming in a week. I just want to get in two more work days before I have this baby. Need that last bit of money. Oh well, as everyone keeps telling me. She's not going to be early or late, she will arrive on her birthday.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Final Touches

It's coming down to the end. Sitting here at thirty-nine weeks of gestation. Been playing skyrim, which is amazing. There is only one place in the apartment that I need to sort out. The pack-n-play has become a dumping ground for stuff, clean laundry, blankets, swings and the like. If I can managed to fix that up, then the apartment is newborn ready.

Besides that, I think I felt a contraction last night. Just one, my lower abdomin hurt like a period cramp. It was barely thirty seconds, and I didn't feel another one. But then again, my Dr is in Costa Rica...

In other news, both my ex and my partners ex are engaged. Again, I'm not hung up on getting married right now. My partner and I were talking last night and I mentioned it to him. He asked if I wanted to, and yes. If our relationship keeps being this good, is like to get married.

"You think this is good?" he basically shouted angrily at me. And being super preggo hormone woman I tear up instantly. But he just pulled me in and gave me a hug and said, "Cause its fucking great."

He just keeps reminding me why I love him. But he's a stinker.

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Today I had the fastest doctor appointment ever. We were fifteen minutes early,  I didn't have enough time to let the urine build up, left the most pitiful urine sample of my life and were out before my appointment was supposed to start. This was mostly because my doctor is on vacation and in Costa Rica.

My explicit orders were - do not have your baby when I'm gone. Good thing I procrastinate like a boss.

Besides that, today was pretty boring. I tried to play 'Child of Eden' which was super difficult, mostly because I'm pretty sure I was seizing during the entire thing. There were so many lights, and shiny, and music it was just overwhelming. Maybe if I ever get a chance to take LSD, I'll try it again. Or maybe I need to figure out how to do it with the Kinect and not just the controller. Then it was grocery, and napping almost all afternoon. I want to go back to bed, but it was snowing. I sat on my couch and watched it until it stopped. It's November in Michigan, that's for sure.

So I'm trying to knock out some more words for NaNoWriMo. My muse isn't working today, and am having trouble writing. Mostly because tonight at midnight I get SKYRIM!!!!!!


I am more excited about this game than anything else, and because I haven't started labor yet. Which reminds me, I need to get a picture of myself pregnant. I haven't been tracking it, mostly because I didn't change much until week 35ish.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fancy Things and Birthing Classes

After the whole debocle with birthing classes being canceled, and insurance being declined, the BF and I finally got to go to classes. It was a two-day extravaganza taking over Friday night and Saturday. I think the weirdest part as the fact that all he other couples were most likely ten years older than us. One couple was cool, laughed, joked and were fun to talk to. But most every other couple didn't want to get to know anyone else.

What I found strange was the fact that two couples had moved back to MI to start a family. That's right, two families moved back to a state with one of the highest unemployment rates in the country to start a family. I'm confused, but people can be such homebodies. The only other couple I know ran away to TN and are staying there to have a baby (btw she writes a great blog about their journey). Which leaves me wondering how many younger couples do come back to get the family support?

I guess because I left home and started fresh in GR. It's were I live, work, my friends are here (during the school year at least, I am making more adult friends. Which is nice, I miss my young college friends, but meeting people that don't move away for holidays is nice.

In other news, got a fancy new phone all complete with android and smartness. Which is actually where I wrote this from. And now that I don't have four jobs, I have had time to dedicate to NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). 1666 wordsa day for 30 days. So far, I'm on track with 11,000 something words. And super excited to keep writing.

Well, 38 weeks along, and my cervix is all sorts of closed up. Not effaced, not dialated, baby is staying right where she is. I'm just ready to drop, hurting all over and feeling fat. I got an exercise ball to keep at my desk and do strengthening exercises. Oh well, the time is ticking down, and I have a full term baby.

Boom bitches, let's get it on.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Open Letter (This is a rant)

To whom this may concern;

I'm sorry you did not feel I was a good fit for your needs and that I did not fulfill the needs of your daughter. I do have a couple of questions though.

1) When paperwork is incorrect - why not just state the corrections that need to be made and have employees make the necessary changes?
2) Why not have employees celebrate national holidays?
3) When mistakes are made, why not state the mistakes and how to fix them?
4) What are the exact needs that need to be met? Is it companionship? Is it community involvement? Is it monitoring behavior? If so - how do you expect these needs to be met?

In regards to the needs of your daughter, I have another couple of questions. Are you fulfilling her needs when you -

1) Sit her in front of the TV all night
2) Are more compassionate to your dogs than your child
3) Blatantly lie on paperwork stating you were doing something with her, when in fact, you were sleeping
4) Use her for slave labor in a failing business
5) Use her money for expensive food that she doesn't eat

When she asks to do something - do you take her wants and desires into account? How do you explain the above behaviors?

I'm sorry we had to part ways, and that there was nothing constructive you could say to me rather than 'you are not a good fit.' I don't think there is a need for you to reply, but if you wish to justify the aforementioned queries  feel free to. It is disheartening to see this, and watch as you neglect a human being.

Best of luck,