Monday, January 30, 2012

Lunch with Grandpa Donnie

Lunch with Donnie.
We went to steak and shake after my father drove over from Midland to babysit Z while I got retrained for work.
Food coma.
The training was bs, but I was a little wary of leaving her with my dad. Its hard to explain, but when you've seen someone destroy someone else's things for no reason than that it was in your way, you don't want to leave your kid alone with said person. Not that my dad doesn't have good qualities, but short amounts of time only. I just have a deep seated fear because of all the things of mine and my mother's that he has destroyed.

It was interesting.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Being Super Mom

Working sucks. Maybe because my job is so difficult. I have to go get re-certified for the containments and take downs, which I have already had to do on my job. Let me just show you exactly how my Monday went.


Those are grab marks from a sixteen year old kid with autism that is non-verbal. I got whomped on. I was so glad to get home and just cuddle with my baby. Sure it was eleven at night, but I was so happy to not be at work. But this weekend I have some time off which is really nice. I've gotten to spend every second with Z. I didn't realize how much I would miss her.

Also - I have a sucky time pumping at work. It's total bullshit that I can't manage to get time to pump. Legally they should allow me to have a break every three hours, but in my workplace - that is just no way to get that in. I don't work in the office anymore. It's crappy getting in the face and having to block a biter from attacking peers.

Started an auxiliary blog for nursing stuff - I call it The Ugly Shirt Project. Basically it's a collection of exceptionally bad pictures of me. I'm looking for authors. Pass it on.

In other news, my baby girl turned two months last Wednesday. She's such a cute, and I just love her smiles. Recently I've discovered she likes pacifiers, which bothers me because I'm so anti-paci. Mostly because of four-year-olds that obviously don't need them, and children that throw tantrums over it. I want to raise a child that won't throw a tantrum, and can handle things with grace. Like the Jimmy Kimmel challenge where parents played a prank on their kids, and tape the reactions. You can tell that these kids haven't been taught any sort of hubris, and are a little spoiled. I want a kid that if that prank was pulled she'd shrug and say she loved me.

2 Months! Smiley baby!
I love playing with Z. She's got such a crazy personality, and likes to stay up super late. And she's kicky and punchy sometimes. A day off rocks cause we can stay home all day, snack and nap.

Falcon PUNCH!
Because I have to juggle more than just taking care of her, the laundry, most of the cooking and cleaning, I find myself stretched thin (like butter spread over too much bread - Bilbo Baggins). Trying to keep up with anything is difficult, and I hate pumping so she can have food when I am at work. I can't manage to remember anything, and then get ragged on about it. Hate that, I have plenty to do anyway. But packing up me, Z, diaper bag, milk lunchbox, my work bag, pump..it's just a lot to all remember. It's all I can do to just sleep and not suck at life all the time.

I want a life that isn't so difficult. But I don't want to have a boring life either. I have to be super mom, and all I want is a shower.


Saturday, January 14, 2012

Working Hard, or Hardly Working?

You know its a good day to come back to work when you aren't even clocked in and staff is mopping blood up off the floor.

Leaving for my first eight hour shift was awful. I had to leave my house and my baby, and I cried the entire drive there. And cried as I was trying to leave. I never thought I would be this attached to a baby, or anything ever in my life. She hadn't been taking bottles, and it had been hard to deal with. But I had to leave, and I had to start back to work, need to make rent payments and become a real person again rather than just a mom.

Not like being a stay at home mom as a job doesn't exist. I think being stay at home is actually a real job now, but only if the kids are all under school age. Once kids are in school and beyond, it's time to get a part time something.

But I'm back to work part time, Monday, Thursday and every other weekend. And of course, my first weekend back is my weekend on. Not really looking forward to three days at work, but at least I don't have to go until 3p. Good thing about third shift. I also started back teaching skating, and got chased around by a seven-year-old.

A new routine, a new thing, just a readjustment. :/

I miss my baby though.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity

Today is my final day as a stay at home mom. I get back on the ice tonight and start teaching. No idea what age I get this time around, but this is it.

Dr appt yesterday went well, but Z and I have come down with thrush. Basically we keep passing a yeast infection between her mouth and my nipples. Really painful, peeling, red, and yeah, not fun. I get to use the same drug on both of us in different forms.

High need baby is good, ordered a new sling to wear her since the wrap I have overheats Z big time.

I'm nervous to start an eight hour shift Thursday. Not looking forward to pumping.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Scumbag Baby

Zelda just pooped herself awake.

What the hell, you spend a few hours crying, finally fall asleep and then this?

Mad.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Oh Shit, This Just Got Real

Twenty-twelve has decidedly been a pretty good year so far. Not that 2011 was that bad, 2010 was much worse. I guess I'm just reminiscing on my year in review - graduated, got a job, and had a baby. All in all, I think it was a pretty good run.

Christmas was super uneventful. My parents visited on the Eve, brought us presents, forgot a christmas tree for us. Then in the morning of we went to Sean's family where Z got a metric fuckton of stuffed animals and toys (all that were pink, why can't we get anything green or yellow?). Not that I'm complaining about the massive influx of pink clothing in our apartment, but seriously - she doesn't need to be bathed in pepto bismol to prove her gender. If she's anything like me, she might find her own gender and sexuality rather fluid, and not restricted by heteronormative society. And in fact, I intend to teach her that love comes in all ages, genders, pairings, and isn't restricted to diads of love. I have met several people in poly relationships, and they are by far some of the happiest people that are in love. If I wasn't super jealous possessive pants - I would consider being poly...

But, yeah, I'm super jealous possessive pants.

Plus - Grandma Kat told us what Zelda wanted for next Christmas.

"A little brother!"

NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Last night my parents came to visit, and I nearly strangled my sister. We left Z with Grandpa Donnie and Mona and went out for a quick Meijer trip and to pick up some carside to go. As we were waiting for food, I decided to call my sister to quick check on my baby, and to tell them the roads were getting pretty bad snow-wise. In fact, we got stuck on a little hill outside applebee's, and there was an accident on the less than five mile drive home.

Well, crazy mom mode kicked in full force for me when Mo didn't answer. I almost lost my shit.

I take that back, I totally lost my shit.

As we were in the car I called eighteen times in the span of twenty minute and sent her two text messages. I was just furious that she wasn't answering, since I had let her start playing the wii to keep her entertained at my apartment. Needless to say, I nearly brought her to tears when we got home. I was pissed, she only had one thing to do while we were gone, since my father is tech impaired, and it was to answer the phone if I called.

And call I did.

I just can't deal with the eleven year old that just doesn't seem to understand anything else besides herself, and it was one thing. Answer the phone when I call, Z is only six weeks old, I need to know she is ok. Mostly I'm trying to get all the crazy out before I go back to work, which is now ten days away. I know, less than two weeks and I'm going to be doing two days a week and every other weekend.

In other news, I have a fussy-ass baby. She gets upset for no apparent reason: rocking, changing, nursing, singing, bouncing, walking, car rides, or swinging does nothing to stop her screaming. I'm not talking a cry, I'm talking a scream that shakes her whole body, turns her face purple, and she is left without air in her lungs screaming. It goes on for about two to four hours every day, starts at about 10p and usually by 2a we can get her down for some sleeping. It is the hardest part of my day. She hasn't started tearing up yet, but I can just see in her eyes that she is hurting somehow and nothing I do makes her feel any better.

But sometimes, the weird stuff makes her stop for a little bit, and she gets confused as to why she isn't screaming anymore. I took this with the BF's phone on Christmas Eve. It's turned, but if you have a laptop or something with a screen that doesn't auto rotate, you can watch it.

Remind me, but I thought the lyrics were, "you better not shout, you better not cry."


I wouldn't trade a single second of her screaming though. She's my baby, and she's a stinkerbot, but she's my responsibility.

I've never loved anything or anyone as much as her.

I have become such a fucking sap, what the hell is wrong with me?

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Firsts!

Zelda just rolled from laying on her stomach to laying on her back all by herself.

I am way to excited about this.