Friday, September 28, 2012

Fail and Rebuilt : DIY Coat Closet

So remember this post, where I was so proud of myself.

It broke. :(
I said, well, time for a trip to the thrift store. I bought pegs and a towel rack for $2.

Ready to remake the coat closet.
Ta-da! Much better. And less jankity.
I took off the hanger, and screwed on the towel rack to the bottom of the shelf so it would hang down and give a place to hang the coats.

The pegs I bought went to my wraps.

Just screws in the wall right now. 
Now it looks much nicer.

All the wraps lined up. 

Sunday, September 23, 2012

A Pain Worse Than Childbirth

One week ago, Sean broke up with me.

Yesterday, he moved out.

I can't explain the hurt I am feeling right now. I am frustrated, and I feel abandoned.

This is worse than the unknown of having a baby because I had someone that loved me and trusted me and made me feel like a good mom. Now I am broken and emotionally devastated.

Well, fuck you, Sean. You decided that instead of working things out and being a full time dad that you were going to run away. You are a child and can't handle being a father.

Fuck you.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Daring Greatly Review

Image from Amazon

Through BlogHer Book Club I was given the opportunity to read Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown. I wasn't sure what to think when the book first showed up at my apartment. I knew within the first few pages that this was a perfect book for me, because when I get upset, I shut down and refuse to let anyone in.

I loved this book, full of Harry Potter references, and easily understood. It also made me reach out and reexamine "The Ethical Slut," and some of the themes put out by those authors. I hadn't thought much about vulnerability and how it relates to everything in my life. I had been hung up on my own issues, that this book helped me examine what I needed to change in my life. To Brown, vulnerability is the way to open up all aspects of life, and a key component to the human experience.

Brown's writing is sophisticated, yet interesting. Not to dry and doesn't bog down the reader. I enjoyed the anecdotes from Brown's years of research and her own failings. I related to her struggles, and made it easier to examine my own life issues. She describes a variety of armor selections, using vulnerability rather than being vulnerable. I found that sometimes I can be one to over share with the hopes that someone will care for me. Discretion without being emotionally deadened is the key.

A while back I posted about how much I felt I was failing. I still feel that way, but I am trying the shame resilience described in Daring Greatly. I do feel like there is an impossibly high standard for being a mom, the fact that I still co-sleep and breastfeed makes me feel judged. These are the choices that are right for my daughter and me, but dealing with family saying "When are you going to quit that?" breaks me down.

Personally, I'm going to put my name and contact information in this book and hand it to my friends to encourage them to read it.

I was compensated for this BlogHer Book Club review but all opinions expressed are my own.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Homemade Peanut Butter Cups

Well, if you haven't heard there is a whole bunch of controversy with NickMom, and stealing pictures, posts, and other such things from the internet, I figured I should keep on with what I do. So, here's a post about my newest attempt at cooking. I found this recipe for homemade peanut butter cups, but I didn't want to go out and buy chocolate chips, so I found a recipe for home made chocolate!

(See those blue things? Those are called links, and they go to the original content. See, I don't claim to have done all these things all by myself. I have things to write about because other people are more amazing than me. How about if we borrow something and attempt to make it our own we start being a little more ethical, right NickMom? You guys are thieving douchewaffles.)

Yeah. It's kinda crazy, and I didn't have liners for my massive cupcake things, so I just used wax paper. Really it was a whole big mess but's what happened.

My first mistake was that I didn't have enough cocoa powder, and I'm lazy and thrifty-ish so I just cut down the recipe from 2cups to making a half cup of cocoa powder (which left me with 11/64 cup of milk, oops).

Homemade Chocolate (KA's Bastard Version)

Milk - 11/64 cups (37.5 ml I used the baby syringe, lol)
Cocoa powder - 1/2 cup
Butter - 3 TBSP
Water - 1/4 cup
Powdered sugar - 1/8th cup
Flour - 1/16th cup (7.5 g, I just estimated)

Chocolate. Yum.
I made the chocolate per the instructions, but instead of freezing it, I just let it stay liquidy and made the insides for the cups from Type-A Mom's recipe.

Peanut Butter Insides

Peanut butter - 1/2 cup
Powdered sugar - 1/2 cup

This looks awful, but oh well.
Then I went along with the recipe and put down a layer of chocolate, then peanut butter filling, then more chocolate. Stuck them in the fridge, and yeah...

The chocolate ended up being more dark chocolately tasting, but the insides were amazing. And per Type-A Mom's explicit instructions "take pictures."

Nailed it.

All the insides. Meh. Still delicious.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

DIY Coat Closet

I am a handy-woman. I went to a mom's sale today (which was overwhelming and awful, but I did get some good stuff), and came home and needed to figure out what to do with some of Z's new clothes. The weather is getting chilly finally in Michigan, and I got some winter coats. But I didn't want to put them in the big people closet, because I'd just lose track of them. So, I went to the $5 white thing that my parents brought for me, and transformed it. 

The left side used to be plastic shelves, and this is it empty. 

There is a shelf there, which will the be top of the closet.
My first thought was to put a screw in the top shelf part, and wanted to use a hanger to create the rail where the other hangers would hang (yo dog, I heard you like hangers, so I used a hanger to hang your hangers, so you can, you get the drift.) My first mistake was using a wire hanger. One was too flimsy, so it wouldn't work, and the other one ripped the screws out.

I tried to make it work, but fail.
 Then I grabbed a plastic hanger, and screwed it to the bottom of the shelf.

Three screws, and the hanger slipped down to the end.
 I then got to hanging stuff from the hanger, and it didn't work quite as well as hoped.

Unsupported, and saggy, almost there.
 One screw in the middle of the hanger, some duct tape around the screws and hanger and bam!

Finished product :)
Now, I pride myself on not spending money, and guess what, I had all the supplies in my apartment. Its a little white trash, and a little jankity, but hey, it gets the job done. Nothing a little duct tape, glue, hanger, and some screws. I feel super handy right now, and accomplished. Getting into a project drove me into reorganizing and getting laundry done too. 

The sale was crazy. Too many people, too much stuff, and it was just the strangest thing ever. The best part was the $2 find in the boy's section.

Ready for winter, all set to go. It's a huge weight off my shoulders. Only thing left to do it get a job. 

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Totally Independent

I took Z to a playgroup today with a bunch of kids. It was super mixed up with the ages, with play dough, and shaving cream as part of the activities available. Most of the things were just beyond Z's ability, and she tried to eat everything she could get her hands on. I enjoyed watching her interact with the other kids though.

Actually it was more like lack of interaction. A lot of the older kids swarmed her saying 'baby, baby, play with me, here's a car' and Z pretty much gave zero fucks. Kids would try to share with her, and she just walked past them. A few times I had to tell a kid to back off because he was just all up on her, and she couldn't explore. It made her mad. It's the natural progression of development, playing parallel, then playing together and learning to share, but it still struck me that Z is very independent. She would glance at me, then continue on her merry way.

I'm also sad because she's almost ten months. And that 'baby' stage is almost over. I never thought I'd miss this, the teething, the breastfeeding, and I'm starting to miss it even as it slips away.

Then it hit me. I am never going to experience this again.

"Oh, you'll have another baby," you may say. But I'm not going to have another Zelda. If I had another one, I'd want it to go as well as this one, and it wouldn't be the same. I don't want another baby, I'd want Z again.

Sean tried to teach her to say "button" last night. She almost had it. Every time she does something new, I lose a little piece of my baby as she becomes more and more her own person. Eventually she'll hate me, and we'll scream and fight, and hopefully when she goes off to college she'll love me again.

I bought her birthday presents today. Books, and I know she can't read, but there are some essential lessons in them to teach critical thinking. I got her Older than the Stars and The Magic of Reality. I'm thinking when she's eighteen I'll get her something heavier for reading, but I think I need to read them first.

Now I just need to find some schools in Grand Rapids that don't have creationalism as a rational explanation for the universe. Which will be a challenge in west Michigan.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Last Free Weekend

This is hopefully my last weekend being unemployed. It has been a hard month, and I am not exactly excited for the next job, but at least it is something. I have another interview on Monday, which again, isn't exactly the direction I want to go with my life. It's back to serving consumers, but it's a retirement home rather than behavioral health.

Which is where I get stuck again, what do I want to do with my life? What are my goals?

The worst part is, I have none. I have things I'd like to do (hence why I applied for a job that was all German speaking, and for a manager position with a non-profit), but nothing really sparks my interest. I'd like a 9-5 job, that doesn't tax my brain, but is that where I need to be? It feels like my job experience at this point has limited me in what I want to do.

Should I go back to school? If so, what should I study? I'm trying to break into working in a bank, and maybe I should just drop my need to help people and go find something with business administration.

Meh, it's just not me. And my life is so mundane. I sit at home with the baby, we play, we sing, we go to the store, we dance, we listen to music, we nap, and on occasion I get to hang out with her dad. Which has been super weird too. We're in a funk. That's why I need a job - even if it's making sandwiches.

Purple dress and shoes from Oma.
Z has been just amazing these past few weeks, and I keep looking at her and wondering where the little ball of angry I brought home from the hospital went. She has such a vibrant personality, yelling when things don't go her way, running around the apartment, tripping and face-planting into my computer. She drives me crazy,  but she's just so excited about everything. Still not a sleeper, but she's a quick little bugger. Sometimes she tries to follow me into the bathroom when I need to pee, closes the door on accident, then gets upset because she can't figure out how to open it, and won't move when I try to open the door to let her in.

I feel stuck. All I can hope for is a next step, and a new opportunity.

Bonus - Z in the rain.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

My first in-between job

I just got an in between job. Part time, over minimum wage, but not something I want to be doing six months from now. It's a job just to patch through.

I hope somethin better comes along though. But I won't be stir crazy anymore.